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  1. #21
    '12 Chevy 1500 HO KokomoDave's Avatar

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    Red face

    Here's one to tell the kids:

    Q:What do you call a dog with no legs?

    A:It doesn't matter,he won't come anyway!

    Naphtali Lodge 389 Kokomo, IN

    Hard luck is my only luck...
    Not your average Korean Hillbilly
    Tactical Chia Pet
    2012 FXDF (Fatbob)

  2. #22
    Plinker USPc40's Avatar

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    An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
    'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

    'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '

    but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

    'I'm 96' said the old man.
    'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
    so I don't piss on my slippers.'

  3. #23
    Expert Turn Key's Avatar

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    White Wedding


    A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
    wedding.

    'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'

    The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

    The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
    brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue wouldbe nice?'

    'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

    My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately
    and never spoke to each other again.'

    'What about your third husband, asked the sales clerk?

    'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'


    TK
    This space intentionally left blank.

  4. #24
    Expert Turn Key's Avatar

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    Talking THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK


    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

    10. Ahhh...I see the f @$% -up fairy has visited us again.

    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    24. Do I look like a people person?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

    39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

    40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.


    TK
    This space intentionally left blank.

  5. #25
    Sharpshooter Sureshot129's Avatar

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    Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
    for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the

    checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
    little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
    was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
    shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
    I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with

    tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
    that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
    simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
    nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

    again.

    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now

    enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
    food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
    Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

  6. #26
    Plinker

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    Ahh a classic. I had a friend tell that dog food joke to me before. Thing is, the way he is and his story telling ability, he had a good sized group believing he actually did this.

  7. #27
    Shooter

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    Kicking the animals
    There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

    On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

    His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."

    Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat. The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

  8. #28
    Shooter

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    Subject: Breaking News - White House Gardener Fired


    

    It has just been reported that the chief gardener at the White House
    has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents.

    When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said
    "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked,
    "Has anyone seen the spade or the hoe". The next thing I knew I
    was fired.

  9. #29
    Shooter

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    CSI Kentucky

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Murder in Kentucky:



    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.

  10. #30
    Shooter

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    Obama wants to alter the flag !!

    The government today announced that it is changing the national flag to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.

    A Condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

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