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  1. #1
    Shooter

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    INGO: Joke of the day page

    Got a funny joke, hear a good one at work? Post them here.

    I'll start it.......


    A guy walks into an antique store and picks up an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out. "I will grant you one wish"

    Hmmmmm, I with my penis touched the floor.


    The genie crosses his arms and says "Your wish is my command"

    Suddenly the mans legs fall off.

  2. #2
    Shooter

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    One of the funniest things I have EVER read........

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

    The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then HID down at the end with my rope.
    The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
    They were not having any of it.
    After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them.
    I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
    The deer just stood there and stared at me.

    I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
    The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
    I took a step towards it…it took a step away.
    I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

    The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt.
    A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
    A deer– no chance.
    That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
    There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.
    As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
    The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
    At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison.
    I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
    At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.
    At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

    Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.
    I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite?
    They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

    Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go.
    A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.
    I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
    I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
    now) tricked it.

    While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
    Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
    They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

    I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse -strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
    This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.
    In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

    I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

    The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
    Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.
    I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
    What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
    So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

  3. #3
    Master

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    That

    was

    AWESOME to read!!!!!! Hahahahaha!!!!!

  4. #4
    Plinker USPc40's Avatar

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    Heard this at work:
    Did you hear about the new drug that cures lesbianism?
    It's called Trymenagain.

  5. #5
    Master

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    President Obama is telling us the truth!
    Handgun control is using both hands.
    "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

  6. #6
    Shooter

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    Think you know the answer?

    Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive a car?









































    Because she was a woman.

  7. #7
    Plinker

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    Three blond guys come up upon a river. The first one kneels down and prays, "God, please make me smart enough to cross this river." God turns him into a brunette, and he builds a raft and floats across.

    The second guy kneels down and prays, "Please God, make me smart enough to cross this river." God turns him into a redhead, and he swims across.

    The third guy kneels down and prays, "Please God, make me smart enough to cross this river, too." God turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge.

  8. #8
    Marksman tmfinney's Avatar

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    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

    The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

    'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

    'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
    so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
    face cream and puts it in the basket.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

    'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
    when we're making love,' replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

  9. #9
    Plinker nedwards's Avatar

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    Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing; curiosity is not a
    wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the
    wrong hands can be lethal in some cases.


    My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
    something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
    have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
    chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here
    goes...............

    Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the establishment changed to protect the innocent)that tickled
    my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
    bought something really cool for for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
    girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
    gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
    product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
    designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
    amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
    to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
    but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
    prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
    will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
    whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
    action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
    was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
    stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
    model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
    do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however,
    and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
    looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
    electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for
    your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot
    is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
    There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting
    little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
    target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a
    second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all.
    But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
    me at the time...

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
    little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
    circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
    way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
    Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
    followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head
    cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a
    one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
    bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
    agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
    of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
    twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
    fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
    **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
    ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
    body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
    waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
    in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny
    sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
    to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
    compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
    no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not
    going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
    a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
    dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
    SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
    time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
    little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat
    was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get get there???
    My triceps, right thigh and both ******* were still twitching. My face
    felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
    88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
    offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
    handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
    'em back

  10. #10
    Shooter

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