Trying to find peace after a loss.

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  • Wolfhound

    Hired Goon
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    I know there are some really good people on here so I thought I would ask for some advice. I lost someone very close to me about 16 months ago and I am struggling to come to peace with that loss. I know there are a few on here that have been in my shoes and I want to know what has helped you to deal with the loss. I have been using over the counter meds to deal with insomnia. I found that church really helped for a while but it seems to not be as much help as it was. Burying myself in work and hobbies has been helpful but also seems to be losing it's effects.

    What are my options? Some things I have considered are counseling, prescription meds (trying to avoid this one), possibly working out. I would be interested to hear others opinions. Any books that might be helpful?

    I have been avoiding some things that myself and this other person enjoyed doing together. Like hunting, fishing and camping. Is this not healthy? I realize that we all grieve and deal with things slightly different in most cases. I also find myself avoiding some social interactions with others.

    I am not on here 24/7 as I work and have a family but I will be checking this thread daily. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
     

    T.Lex

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    I am sorry for your loss, truly.

    Among those things you mention, counseling would be a good starting point. Getting insight from an objective source, with training on some tools to help, makes a ton of sense. In my experience, they will probably recommend some of those other things, like working out. Physical activity can be cathartic, not to mention physically rewarding. Particularly express the aversion to prescription drugs (I feel the same way). There are some good ones out there, but there's no reason to push those if they aren't really necessary. The veterans' resources you appear to be familiar with would be good to check out. :)

    More than anything, give yourself space to actually grieve. There's no stopwatch on this. I think some people (mostly men IMHO) think that there's some deadline, or expectation, that they get "over" a loss within some metric. That's genuine horseSIG. As you say, people all grieve differently. What works for me won't necessarily work for you and that's ok.

    In terms of doing things that you used to enjoy together, again - give yourself some slack. When you're ready, you're ready to do those things. If that is never, that's ok too. Don't let your loss hold you back from other relationships, though, right? Your friend probably wouldn't have wanted that for you. :)

    As for church - that's something that works for me. At the risk of overstepping, perhaps the point at which church seemed to not help as much maybe was the point where things were internally most vulnerable for you. There may be things that you need to figure out about yourself for you to reach a peaceful accommodation with the loss that you feel. Counseling will probably get into that, too.

    Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you.
     

    Expat

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    My Dad always told me if worrying about something won't help the situation then stop worrying about it. I always try to keep that in mind. When my mind goes to things that serve no purpose I try to move my thinking to something else. Reading stuff, looking stuff up on the internet, visiting family, working on something around the house, gardening, etc. If none of that works, then does your pastor do counseling or have a suggestion on where to go?
     

    1911ly

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    I have been threw a serious loss myself. I lost my wife 8 years ago the 20th of this month to ovarian cancer. She was my best friend, lover and the mother of my child. I took it pretty hard. I still have moments of grief to this day. I had a hard tome watching TV show and movies we loved. And going to the places we liked. But it has gotten a bit easier every year.

    I have some great friends and relatives that have helped me deal with things. The things that have helped me the most is keeping busy. I and having some people that I am really close to that I can talk to about how I feel and what is going on. Having that is very important. You can't bottle it up your emotions.

    I wish there was a switch that could be flipped and take all the emotions away. But years later can tell you that when I think of her I feel less grief and more joy for the memory's we have had together. Time does heal all wounds.

    If you want to talk some time I have a good ear to listen. PM me your #
     

    Old Syko

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    My Dad always told me if worrying about something won't help the situation then stop worrying about it.
    This is my motto and it works. Its foolish to worry about things you can't change so concentrate on the things you can. In 2013 I buried 9 family members and close friends, close enough I had to at least assist in making final arrangements and this on top of being a cancer survivor since 2007. Plain and simple, Man up and keep moving because you still have a bunch ahead. Taking drugs for such things is nothing more than trying to hide a symptom and it doesn't work. All the counseling in the world won't change anything until you decide to change. It's easy to be weak. It's hard to roll through. Anything worthwhile is hard.
     

    ghuns

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    My wife had a really tough time with the loss of her father. Seeing a grief counselor really helped her.:yesway:
     

    MCgrease08

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    One idea might be to try and find a way to remember your loved one that can impact and help others. Something like a youth scholarship or donation to an organization in their name.

    This can help you focus and highlight the positive aspects of their life and connect and it share with other people, all while promoting and preserving the good memories you have.
     

    BehindBlueI's

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    Grief counseling. Avoid alcohol, etc. as a coping mechanism. Accept that it sucks, and it's always going to suck, but it will suck less as time goes on. Try to be grateful for the time you had. Do something you think the person would find meaningful and mentally dedicate it to them, ie donate to charity or help clean up a river bank, or whatever.

    It does get easier over time. It's never gone, mind you, but time does help.
     

    Spear Dane

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    The saying "Time heals all wounds" is a cliche but like most such, they are that because they are true. I would not say time will heal you, but temporal distance between you and the death certainly is the most helpful thing that happens. Camping and other things you and that person used to do are emotional triggers and you have two choices there. Avoid them as much as possible or go the desensitization route and fully engage in those activities. I chose avoidance myself as after seeing my mom through a year of pancreatic cancer I had no emotional reserves left.
     

    printcraft

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    .....
    I have been avoiding some things that myself and this other person enjoyed doing together. Like hunting, fishing and camping. Is this not healthy? I realize that we all grieve and deal with things slightly different in most cases. I also find myself avoiding some social interactions with others.

    Just ask yourself honestly if the person you did that with would want you to stop just because they are gone...
    I would guess no and they probably wouldn't want to see you putting yourself through that.
    Cherish the memories of that shared activity.
     

    churchmouse

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    Find a 3rd party you are comfortable with.
    It is another of the temporary fixes along the road you seek.
    It has been 16 years for us and I still feel the stab in my heart.
    It will never truly go away but can be dealt with if you choose to do so. But you have to choose.
    Remember those still here that love and rely on you. That is my saving grace.

    You are still in our prayers.
     

    wcd

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    Dec 2, 2011
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    Time to find out if your suffering from depression, loss of sibling, spouse, etc sucks! Having to accept your not ever going to get over it is hardly any better. Understanding it will at some point become bearable, however you never get over it 100%. Withdraw, isolation, fatigue are indicators you might want to speak with someone.
     

    Wolfhound

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    Thank you for sharing the thoughts and ideas. I knew there would be some on here with advice and experiences to share. While not exactly the same, I think Churchmouse has walked nearly the same path as I am now following and his words are coming from experience. I will try to get some counseling from the VA based on the advice generously given. The church we attend is very small and doesn't offer any of those services that I am aware of. As far as talking with family, my parents are both in their 80's now and I don't dare bring up the subject with my wife as she gets easily upset. She probably needs counseling as much or more than I do. Hopefully the VA can provide that also.

    I don't want to go into much detail about what happened but it is all on INGO if you really want to know. I am not sure that worrying and grief are the same thing. Worrying to me is a fear that something might happen and grief is a knife through the heart all day every day.

    I have been through many stages already trying to deal with this. I went through the "be a man and deal with it stage". I went through a drinking stage. I went through an anger stage. No matter what I do I have issues sleeping and when I do finally sleep I eventually wake up with the same empty feeling and pain. I am doing my best to move on and I think this is a good way to get that started. I am able to go to work and enjoy some time with family. Being around my Grandchildren is the best medicine I have found so far.

    The prayers are greatly appreciated. Any other ideas are welcome and I am thankful for the help.
     
    Last edited:

    Leadeye

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    I like Expat's advice, focus on what you have and not what's gone, sounds like your grand kids are working for you already.:)
     

    PGRChaplain

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    Wolfhound, you are now on my Prayer List with a lot of Good Folks. Counseling for sure! Their Pros at helping you deal with situations like this. I take 2 Benadryl an hour before bed, works better than the Prescription Sleep stuff. Our days here are determined before we're Born, it's just hard for us to grasp this as humans. When you're feeling down think about the Good Times, or Dumb Stuff you two did. I had 45 Radiation Treatments in 2016 for Cancer, I spent the 10 minutes each was Praying for other people. Count Your Blessings. If there's anything I can help with feel free to PM me.
    Many Blessings!
     

    Trigger Time

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    If you have the health then get out and do any kind of physical activity you can to wear out your body and mind daily. Take walks, or if you cant do much physically do pool resistance training (it's easy on the joints and spine), work on a hobby you have or find a new one. Check out antique stores, wonder around Walmart and pick out the poorly cloaked security following you. Anything just wear yourself out.
    AVOID ALL SUBSTANCES that arent prescribed or recomended by a doctor. Even with those be cautious and work with your doctor to avoid mood altering or sleep type pills or start slow and use the minimum that they prescribe you. Trust me, doctors will LOVE you if you tell them you DONT want to be on drugs. Even over the counter drugs,watch out. .You do not want to create a crutch especialy with alcohol.
    Stop playing the what if game. Just stop. If you are. You couldnt have prevented it. The sooner you accept this the sooner you heal. Things happen for reasons that we sinners cannot comprehend and we arent meant to.
    The world keeps turning. You have people that need you. Get right with yourself so you can be there for them.
    It's ok to cry. Emotional release will help you heal.
    Do not give up the things you loved to do. Honor your friend or loved ones memory. They wouldbt want you to be sad and giving up on life. Because that's what you are doing if you give up on what you love.
    Every day is a gift and we owe it to those that no longer walk among us to enjoy that gift to the max and be grateful and when our time comes we should have lived it all!
    Things we go through in our lives shape us, they change us, they make us introverted sometimes and afraid to put ourselves back out there because we are afraid to get close to people again because it hurts to loose people we love and we dont want to experience it again. Being left behind hurts doesnt it? Yep. But we must continue the mission. The mission is life. You can be breathing and walking and talking and not truly be alive inside. Dont let this happen . Talk to someone you love or trust or both. Seek a professionals help if need be. Keep fighting. Dont ever stop. LIVE LIFE. Be vulnerable again.
    Its a struggle. A real battle. Making and keeping friends isnt easy sometimes and people dont understand nor should they have to.
    Dont make the mistake of holding back, trust me. It's hard to come back from that. Avoiding social interactions, not good. You probably get excited to do something but as the day gets closer you start to worry about something or small details or you start not feeling good and you mentally talk yourself out of it. This is a classic sign that you went through something bad and you are afraid to get close to people again. It will only get worse if you dont fight like hell now and refuse to let it take over your life. People deal with the same stuff you are going through for decades sometimes because they didnt get help or recognize the signs. Then harder to fix.
    There is nothing at all wrong with sitting down and being 100% frank with a professional about what you feel. It takes courage.
     
    Last edited:

    d.kaufman

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    If you have the health then get out and do any kind of physical activity you can to wear out your body and mind daily. Take walks, or if you cant do much physically do pool resistance training (it's easy on the joints and spine), work on a hobby you have or find a new one. Check out antique stores, wonder around Walmart and pick out the poorly cloaked security following you. Anything just wear yourself out.
    AVOID ALL SUBSTANCES that arent prescribed or recomended by a doctor. Even with those be cautious and work with your doctor to avoid mood altering or sleep type pills or start slow and use the minimum that they prescribe you. Trust me, doctors will LOVE you if you tell them you DONT want to be on drugs. Even over the counter drugs,watch out. .You do not want to create a crutch especialy with alcohol.
    Stop playing the what if game. Just stop. If you are. You couldnt have prevented it. The sooner you accept this the sooner you heal. Things happen for reasons that we sinners cannot comprehend and we arent meant to.
    The world keeps turning. You have people that need you. Get right with yourself so you can be there for them.
    It's ok to cry. Emotional release will help you heal.
    Do not give up the things you loved to do. Honor your friend or loved ones memory. They wouldbt want you to be sad and giving up on life. Because that's what you are doing if you give up on what you love.
    Every day is a gift and we owe it to those that no longer walk among us to enjoy that gift to the max and be grateful and when our time comes we should have lived it all!
    Things we go through in our lives shape us, they change us, they make us introverted sometimes and afraid to put ourselves back out there because we are afraid to get close to people again because it hurts to loose people we love and we dont want to experience it again. Being left behind hurts doesnt it? Yep. But we must continue the mission. The mission is life. You can be breathing and walking and talking and not truly be alive inside. Dont let this happen . Talk to someone you love or trust or both. Seek a professionals help if need be. Keep fighting. Dont ever stop. LIVE LIFE. Be vulnerable again.
    Its a struggle. A real battle. Making and keeping friends isnt easy sometimes and people dont understand nor should they have to.
    Dont make the mistake of holding back, trust me. It's hard to come back from that.

    Well said
    Will keep you in my thoughts. Fight the good fight! Its never easy losing someone you love/care for. Lost my parents within 8 months when i was 20. Its been 23 years. Not a day goes by i dont think about them, but when i do think about them, i recall all the great times. Focus on the good things and i agree with what many others have said. Carry on doing what you and your friend enjoyed. He/she would not want you to quit doing something you enjoyed together because they're not there anymore.
    Good luck to you, and stay positive
     

    CHCRandy

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    Thank you for sharing the thoughts and ideas. I knew there would be some on here with advice and experiences to share. While not exactly the same, I think Churchmouse has walked nearly the same path as I am now following and his words are coming from experience. I will try to get some counseling from the VA based on the advice generously given. The church we attend is very small and doesn't offer any of those services that I am aware of. As far as talking with family, my parents are both in their 80's now and I don't dare bring up the subject with my wife as she gets easily upset. She probably needs counseling as much or more than I do. Hopefully the VA can provide that also.

    I don't want to go into much detail about what happened but it is all on INGO if you really want to know. I am not sure that worrying and grief are the same thing. Worrying to me is a fear that something might happen and grief is a knife through the heart all day every day.

    I have been through many stages already trying to deal with this. I went through the "be a man and deal with it stage". I went through a drinking stage. I went through an anger stage. No matter what I do I have issues sleeping and when I do finally sleep I eventually wake up with the same empty feeling and pain. I am doing my best to move on and I think this is a good way to get that started. I am able to go to work and enjoy some time with family. Being around my Grandchildren is the best medicine I have found so far.

    The prayers are greatly appreciated. Any other ideas are welcome and I am thankful for the help.

    Sir, I can't say I have ever went thru close to what you have. I did lose my mother when I was 16 in the same manner, but I am sorry I have no real advice. I have been asking myself questions for 34 years and can't find an answer. You got to enjoy your life though, you got to be there for your wife and grandkids...that's just how it is. The glass is 1/2 full, not 1/2 empty. He wouldn't want you to be struggling. I will be saying a prayer for you and your family.
     

    churchmouse

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    This thread has (as they will do) brought back so many memories of friends and family past. Those who are lost to me and trust that I miss them all.
    There is some tears. Then some reflection. Then some smiles. Even when I think of my son. It is the same cycle.
    I went through all of the steps you list. The drinking was the most damaging. Rational thought escapes. You openly share your pain and then anger. It is so very hard on those who are still here with you.

    As many have said, get some help outside the circle. This will do you more good than you know. Hobby's activity's are a huge step.

    The wife, that will be hard. It sounds like she is locked inside her grief. I wish you strength in this. You both need to find some fresh air and daylight together. It is important.

    My grandkids are my light.
     
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