How soon is too soon?

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  • thunderchicken

    Grandmaster
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    5   0   0
    Feb 26, 2010
    6,436
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    Indianapolis
    Way back in January my sister in law broke up with her bf and he booted her out. She has bounced around from friend to friend and most recentlreche met a guy that took her in. Well the wheels fell of that bus when he decided to smack her around on Wednesday. So my wife to the rescue, took her to be checked out at the hospital, where they ask questions and she refuses to talk about it. Then my sweet wife brings her back to our house for the day. That was Thursday. Now she can't find anyone willing to let her stay with them.
    I am just about at witts end with it. I helped out back in January by paying for a hotel for a few days and buying food for a week. So, how soon is too soon to tell her she has to go? I don't mean to be heartless but I don't owe her anything and she has been in this situation long enough. But, she refuses to take any job that she feels is below her and can't seem to pull herself out of it. Anyone else been down this road? Can I just drop her off at a fire station?
     

    hopper68

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    4   0   0
    Nov 15, 2011
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    Pike County
    Sister in law so I am assuming your wife's sister, which makes it more complicated. Tough love is seldom appreciated but some times sooner is better than later. The real question is to cut her off cold turkey or to try the slow wean, cold turkey is harder but better off in the long run.
     

    spec4

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    1   0   0
    Jun 19, 2010
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    Not enough info here. What other options does she have? Parents? Is she a functioning adult? Sounds like she isn't too good at choosing relationships. I wouldn't throw her out if she truly has no way to turn. At least not until every option to help her, with her involvement, has been explored.
     

    rob63

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    20   0   0
    May 9, 2013
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    If I understood you correctly; she shacks up with guys, exchanging sex for residency, or she relies on friends and family to put her up for free, but she thinks a job is beneath her?

    I'm sure you realize how nonsensical that is and that the real problem is that she doesn't want to be responsible for herself.

    We have had the same problem with our daughter, being rather slow to grow up and take responsibility for herself. (25 is the new 18)

    The thing that finally worked for us is that we gave her a deadline. You will move out and live on your own by this date or we will drive you to the homeless shelter.

    Get your wife to commit to a date that this will end, and mean it. Even if that date is farther into the future than what you want it will give you peace of mind to have a date. A part of the problem for you now is that it is open ended, you're not sure if you will ever get rid of this person.

    You can also make the deadline flexible depending upon the actions of the sister-in-law. We will give you 1 week to get a job and begin paying rent to us which we will keep for you as a future deposit for your own place. If you do this then we will give you a time extension, if you have not done this then you are out on your ass. Set it up so that there is a pathway to success for her, but also consequences if she isn't working towards eventual independence.

    Just my :twocents:.
     
    Last edited:

    Trigger Time

    Air guitar master
    Rating - 98.6%
    204   3   0
    Aug 26, 2011
    40,112
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    SOUTH of Zombie city
    I agree with yesterday.

    Her refusing to press charges strike 1. Her refusing a job strike 2. Noone else willing to take her in is a big warning sign too.

    Link her up with a womens abuse or support group if you or your wife want to help her. She needs counseling by a professional so she starts valuing herself and her life and takes personal responsibility for the things that are within her power to fix.
    Let her know you will support her in other ways but you are not a hotel, a bank, or the grocery store. I'm not saying let her be eaten by the streets, I'm just saying dont show her an easy way out without her own work. She needs to make an effort now to change the path her life is on. Lead her.

    If you are going to let her stay and give her a date to be out like mentioned above (very good advice), then she needs to help cook, clean, participate around the home. No freeloading. The lesson starts TODAY
     

    halfmileharry

    Grandmaster
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    65   0   0
    Dec 2, 2010
    11,450
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    South of Indy
    If I understood you correctly; she shacks up with guys, exchanging sex for residency, or she relies on friends and family to put her up for free, but she thinks a job is beneath her?

    I'm sure you realize how nonsensical that is and that the real problem is that she doesn't want to be responsible for herself.

    We have had the same problem with our daughter, being rather slow to grow up and take responsibility for herself. (25 is the new 18)

    The thing that finally worked for us is that we gave her a deadline. You will move out and live on your own by this date or we will drive you to the homeless shelter.

    Get your wife to commit to a date that this will end, and mean it. Even if that date is farther into the future than what you want it will give you peace of mind to have a date. A part of the problem for you now is that it is open ended, you're not sure if you will ever get rid of this person.

    You can also make the deadline flexible depending upon the actions of the sister-in-law. We will give you 1 week to get a job and begin paying rent to us which we will keep for you as a future deposit for your own place. If you do this then we will give you a time extension, if you have not done this then you are out on your ass. Set it up so that there is a pathway to success for her, but also consequences if she isn't working towards eventual independence.

    Just my :twocents:.

    Pretty good advice without being cold about it. I doubt even a wife could take that as heartless.
     

    NyleRN

    Master
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    28   0   0
    Dec 14, 2013
    3,834
    113
    Scottsburg
    If I understood you correctly; she shacks up with guys, exchanging sex for residency, or she relies on friends and family to put her up for free, but she thinks a job is beneath her?

    I'm sure you realize how nonsensical that is and that the real problem is that she doesn't want to be responsible for herself.

    We have had the same problem with our daughter, being rather slow to grow up and take responsibility for herself. (25 is the new 18)

    The thing that finally worked for us is that we gave her a deadline. You will move out and live on your own by this date or we will drive you to the homeless shelter.

    Get your wife to commit to a date that this will end, and mean it. Even if that date is farther into the future than what you want it will give you peace of mind to have a date. A part of the problem for you now is that it is open ended, you're not sure if you will ever get rid of this person.

    You can also make the deadline flexible depending upon the actions of the sister-in-law. We will give you 1 month to get a job and begin paying rent to us which we will keep for you as a future deposit for your own place. If you do this then we will give you a time extension, if you have not done this then you are out on your ass. Set it up so that there is a pathway to success for her, but also consequences if she isn't working towards eventual independence.

    Just my :twocents:.

    I agree with this. Help set her up to succeed and not fail. You can't continue to enable her and your wife needs to understand and be on board with this, sister or not. I'm good with tough love and letting people suffer when they can but don't want to. It's different with someone that has an IQ of room temperature and can't function as an adult. When we quit pandering to to those that can and don't want to, they'll eventually do something to change their situation or they can just starve/freeze
     

    Trigger Time

    Air guitar master
    Rating - 98.6%
    204   3   0
    Aug 26, 2011
    40,112
    113
    SOUTH of Zombie city
    When you are homeless theres no job below you. Wake up call, you've hit rock bottom. She needs a reality check. Let her know that you and your wife worked for the home and food and money you have and there is no job below you to keep it. Make her understand. Sounds to me that she needs or sees you guys as parents more than brother and sister.
     

    thunderchicken

    Grandmaster
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    5   0   0
    Feb 26, 2010
    6,436
    113
    Indianapolis
    Some good advice here all. Whoever asked, yes she has been jumping from freind to friend, guy to guy for since January. Haven't heard from he except on FB until late Wednesday night. She is now working to find another place to be. My wife is ready for her to go as well. I told my wife I'm only seeing one or two more days as being all I can take of her drama. Their mom is working on trying to help find her a place to stay and may put her in a hotel for a few days. But she too is limited how she helps since she lives in Florida
     

    churchmouse

    I still care....Really
    Emeritus
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    187   0   0
    Dec 7, 2011
    191,809
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    Speedway area
    It sounds like lifes norm for her. Most likely why she gets dumped/dumped on. Have seen this to many times ourselves. If you allow it they will continue to take advantage of you. The spouse and I have agreed that "NO ONE" family or friend will ever live with us again. It took some serious issue for hr to see my point of view here but now she does.

    Set the deadline. Stand by it. Tough to do....you bet. Is it needed....sounds like it.
     

    thunderchicken

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 100%
    5   0   0
    Feb 26, 2010
    6,436
    113
    Indianapolis
    It sounds like lifes norm for her. Most likely why she gets dumped/dumped on. Have seen this to many times ourselves. If you allow it they will continue to take advantage of you. The spouse and I have agreed that "NO ONE" family or friend will ever live with us again. It took some serious issue for hr to see my point of view here but now she does.

    Set the deadline. Stand by it. Tough to do....you bet. Is it needed....sounds like it.

    Seems to have been her way of life for several years. Always seems to be looking for a guy to take care of her mostly. She did hold a job for a while but always had to have someone around to help pay the bills while living beyond her means
     
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