When do you stop helping a friend

The #1 community for Gun Owners in Indiana

Member Benefits:

  • Fewer Ads!
  • Discuss all aspects of firearm ownership
  • Discuss anti-gun legislation
  • Buy, sell, and trade in the classified section
  • Chat with Local gun shops, ranges, trainers & other businesses
  • Discover free outdoor shooting areas
  • View up to date on firearm-related events
  • Share photos & video with other members
  • ...and so much more!
  • snorko

    Grandmaster
    Site Supporter
    Rating - 100%
    361   0   0
    Apr 3, 2008
    8,294
    113
    Evansville, IN
    I have a friend who fell on some hard times a couple years ago and I have been helping him. Shortish version, he is a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for many years. 3-4 years ago things were going well for him but he started drinking, got a couple DUIs close together, and lost a good job because of it. He got straightened out and is sober again. Both his elderly parents passed away around then and he received enough money from the estate that it was not immediately necessary for him to get a job. A year or two later the cash is drawn down and getting a job proved hard. He sold off what he could but needed help.

    Over the past couple years I have helped him out with monthly expenses. Early on it was a couple sizable loans of like $800-$1,000 which got him out of the hole and on solid footing. He was able to get a couple part time jobs and he didn’t need any help for a while. Now in the last 6-8 months he has had to borrow +/-$350-500 four or five times.

    He is late 40s, very intelligent, and capable of hard work. He’s been working part time at a print shop and delivering pizza. I don’t know if he has tried and failed to get a full time factory type job or not. Seems like lots of places locally like Ameriqual, Berry Plastics, TJ Maxx, etc. are all running ads for entry level hires.

    I am uncomfortable asking pointedly if he’s looked for a better job, I don’t want it to seem like a condition for helping. My feelings on loaning money to friends have always been this: if they are in need, the money is a gift. If they are able to give it back in the future great. If not, it was a gift and I hold no ill will. I do keep track though and the amount is now over $6,000.

    Thoughts INGO? Do I give him a heads up that I’m done or do I just wait till he calls and say sorry, no. I can afford to help but it IS a decent sum and I wouldn’t mind having it for other things.
     

    White Squirrel

    Marksman
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Oct 3, 2016
    294
    28
    Evansville
    Somewhere there is a line between helping out someone who is having a string of hard luck and enabling a user who refuses to take responsibility for their existence.

    I don't personally know you or this other person, but I think what you are searching for is where is the line.

    Just from your narrative of how much money this person has come into over the last few years along with the amount you have given him and his lack of motivation to secure a stable income situation, IMO he is past the line.

    Your ability and willingness to continue to provide support should not be the issue. I would suggest it is time to say something on the order of, "I know things have been tough for you, but there is never a better time than now for you to start relying on yourself."

    Again, JMHO.
     

    flatlander

    Master
    Site Supporter
    Rating - 100%
    18   0   0
    May 30, 2009
    4,184
    113
    Noblesville
    The more you enable him, the more he will take. I have cut numerous family members off. The sooner the better. It's your money but this is my :twocents:

    Bob
     

    snorko

    Grandmaster
    Site Supporter
    Rating - 100%
    361   0   0
    Apr 3, 2008
    8,294
    113
    Evansville, IN
    Somewhere there is a line between helping out someone who is having a string of hard luck and enabling a user who refuses to take responsibility for their existence.

    I don't personally know you or this other person, but I think what you are searching for is where is the line.

    That is a very good way of summing it up. I know he is physically able to work, has a good car, bathes regularly, etc. There should be nothing stopping him from getting a job except what may be going on inside his head.
     

    White Squirrel

    Marksman
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Oct 3, 2016
    294
    28
    Evansville
    That is a very good way of summing it up. I know he is physically able to work, has a good car, bathes regularly, etc. There should be nothing stopping him from getting a job except what may be going on inside his head.

    And that may be the area where he actually needs help rather than the financial side. There may be, at least to him, some very real things that are holding him back. Identifying those and dealing with them my be what he needs. Finding a professional to work through those with him may be more beneficial than all the money you could give him.

    You deserve credit for standing by him and caring enough to help. There are times we all need someone to back us up.
     

    shootersix

    Master
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Mar 10, 2009
    4,280
    113
    Snorko, I happen to know a printshop looking for a full time employee, pay isn’t the greatest but there are benefits, if you think he’d be interested let me know
     

    spec4

    Master
    Rating - 100%
    1   0   0
    Jun 19, 2010
    3,775
    27
    NWI
    You have yourself to take care of. Don't know if you have a family, or should be saving for your future, but at some point the friend needs to know the well is dry. Maybe a parting shot like " I'll carry you this time but it is the last time.
     

    Hoosier Carry

    Expert
    Rating - 100%
    1   0   0
    Aug 20, 2012
    1,062
    113
    In the Woods
    Both his elderly parents passed away around then and he received enough money from the estate that it was not immediately necessary for him to get a job.

    Not going after a job because you’ve gained money in your pocket is a poor choice. A good friend would not keep turning to you for money unless he's allowed to. Now your probably having a hard time saying no since it’s been going on for awhile.
     

    jamil

    code ho
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jul 17, 2011
    60,169
    113
    Gtown-ish
    At some point helping should be about getting him what he needs to get him the closest to the place he needs to be. Don't just give him money to satisfy some short term need or want. Help him get what he needs. Sounds like he needs a job. To the extent you're able and willing, help him get a job. Sounds like he needs to get control over his alcohol addiction, otherwise any help you give him is going to be wasted. So to the extent you're willing and able, help him with that. And at some point along the way he needs to understand that he must stand on his own.
     

    WebSnyper

    Maximum Effort
    Rating - 100%
    56   0   0
    Jul 3, 2010
    15,419
    113
    127.0.0.1
    What would he say if you offered him a task to do for the money that was comparable to the task? If he would say no, then I'd cut him loose. If he would say yes, and take on the task and do it well to earn the money from you...
     

    jamil

    code ho
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jul 17, 2011
    60,169
    113
    Gtown-ish
    What would he say if you offered him a task to do for the money that was comparable to the task? If he would say no, then I'd cut him loose. If he would say yes, and take on the task and do it well to earn the money from you...

    That could work for immediate needs. But how many tasks can "you" afford to have him do? At some point he has to stand on his own two feet. It seems to me, for a good friend, that would be the priority. Help the person stand up on his own.
     

    Brad69

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jul 16, 2016
    5,104
    77
    Perry county
    Snorko,

    You are great friend to this man and have did more than enough just tell him no next time he calls. He will sink or swim and not drag you down with him emotionally if he sinks. Some people hit a limit of advance in life and never venture past it, as you know it’s kinda hard not to have a good job in our area how many good jobs are within 30 miles of this guy?

    BTW
    Can you hook a brother up with about $1200.00 I need a new pistol and RDS?
     

    WebSnyper

    Maximum Effort
    Rating - 100%
    56   0   0
    Jul 3, 2010
    15,419
    113
    127.0.0.1
    That could work for immediate needs. But how many tasks can "you" afford to have him do? At some point he has to stand on his own two feet. It seems to me, for a good friend, that would be the priority. Help the person stand up on his own.

    I agree... it was also a litmus test. Wondering how many times he chooses to work hard for the money vs go find someone else...

    Also, there are wisdom in the words: "Put on your own mask first, then help others around you"
     

    churchmouse

    I still care....Really
    Emeritus
    Rating - 100%
    187   0   0
    Dec 7, 2011
    191,809
    152
    Speedway area
    As long as you are enabling him he will be stuck where he is. That he languished for those years would have put him on my no help list. I see a pattern here. But I can only give my opinion.

    Tough love. 40 years old.......get a freaking job. They are everywhere right now.

    I may sound harsh but we have been right where you are more than once.
     

    snorko

    Grandmaster
    Site Supporter
    Rating - 100%
    361   0   0
    Apr 3, 2008
    8,294
    113
    Evansville, IN
    BTW
    Can you hook a brother up with about $1200.00 I need a new pistol and RDS?

    Always glad to help. Just pm me your account number, tracking info, last four of your social and your mother's maiden name. I'll have my Algerian assistant contact you shortly. :):
     

    patience0830

    .22 magician
    Site Supporter
    Rating - 96.6%
    28   1   0
    Nov 3, 2008
    17,593
    149
    Not far from the tree
    I have a friend who fell on some hard times a couple years ago and I have been helping him. Shortish version, he is a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for many years. 3-4 years ago things were going well for him but he started drinking, got a couple DUIs close together, and lost a good job because of it. He got straightened out and is sober again. Both his elderly parents passed away around then and he received enough money from the estate that it was not immediately necessary for him to get a job. A year or two later the cash is drawn down and getting a job proved hard. He sold off what he could but needed help.

    Over the past couple years I have helped him out with monthly expenses. Early on it was a couple sizable loans of like $800-$1,000 which got him out of the hole and on solid footing. He was able to get a couple part time jobs and he didn’t need any help for a while. Now in the last 6-8 months he has had to borrow +/-$350-500 four or five times.

    He is late 40s, very intelligent, and capable of hard work. He’s been working part time at a print shop and delivering pizza. I don’t know if he has tried and failed to get a full time factory type job or not. Seems like lots of places locally like Ameriqual, Berry Plastics, TJ Maxx, etc. are all running ads for entry level hires.

    I am uncomfortable asking pointedly if he’s looked for a better job, I don’t want it to seem like a condition for helping. My feelings on loaning money to friends have always been this: if they are in need, the money is a gift. If they are able to give it back in the future great. If not, it was a gift and I hold no ill will. I do keep track though and the amount is now over $6,000.

    Thoughts INGO? Do I give him a heads up that I’m done or do I just wait till he calls and say sorry, no. I can afford to help but it IS a decent sum and I wouldn’t mind having it for other things.

    Stop being an enabler. Hardest thing in the world to do, damn near. Ex is an alcoholic. Step son and his wife on a methadone program. Raising a grandson, we are. Every donation you make gives him one less reason to get busy and change his stars. Stop it. You are not helping. Hell, the casinos are advertising for dealers starting at $20 an hour with no experience! Prolly not the best place for an alcoholic but there are tons of jobs available right now. If you buck him up until the coming downturn arrives, you've cost him his best opportunity to change.
     
    Top Bottom