25 year marriage in the toilet

[Blown71X]

I`m not going to post too much personal stuff on the interwebs, Just a simple question.
For those of you that have been thru it, How do/did you deal with it ? (Wife caught cheating)


And I don`t drink, so that`s out
Rick

 

[spec4]

Depends on what direction you want to take. Is there anything worth trying to save in the marriage? If not, an amicable as possible split , move guns to trusted friend/relative, lawyer up. After 25 years, that's got to be tough. Good luck to you.

 

[JeremiahJohnson]

The wife and I've been together 27 years and nearly split a couple times. Once even lawyered up and was going through with it, but decided to try counselling - 7th one was the charm. It's hard work. However, there was no infidelity to deal with. I can only echo the advice about guns and lawyers early and well. Even if you plan an amicable split you will need top knotch representation to keep it that way.

So very sorry. Will keep you in our prayers.

 

[Birds Away]

I had the same thing after 24. Although I knew about the extra-curricular activities long before. Had to stay around until the kids were on their own. I couldn't trust what kind of dude she would hook up with. It sucks.

 

[Mr Evilwrench]

Oh, that has to suck. Mine went 6 years and almost ended the same way, but death did us part, so there were complications but not hard ones. 25? OMG. I feel for ya, man. If you can't work it out, definitely lawyer up. It may seem expensive, but you'll realize it's pretty cheap in the long run compared to the alternative. Try to work it out, though, seriously. Find out why she did what she did, if only for your own peace. Maybe she regrets it herself. Don't be too ready to wad her up and throw her in the trash, but be able to if you must. It's confusing, I tells ya what.

 

[Leadeye]

Can't imagine that, I've been with mine for 35 years. I've had friends go through it, and can't add to spec4's advice. I was always the go to guy for the guns.

 

[Crbn79]

I would advise sitting down and talking about things with no distractions. Putting aside your feelings long enough to figure out what both parties want should be priority #1. If there is a chance to salvage things, I'd also suggest professional counseling for both parties.

I've been through the same thing myself, not so many years though. Choose wisely as these are choices which stick with you for the rest of your life.

 

[skulhedface]

My condolences for entering one of the most confusing and painful periods of your life. Let me start by reassuring you that there is nothing simple about the question. Please, take some time before deciding whether to work through it or divorce. Working through it can absolutely be done, but it's slow and difficult.

As far as getting over it, well that depends. Does your wife have a good looking sister/cousin/best friend? I'm kidding...mostly. I didn't choose to deal with it that way when I was going through this, but I sure thought about it. Find someone you trust and do your best to talk about it. It helps a little and over time those little helps add up. If you decide to work through it, you and your wife will have to figure out how to talk about it too. It's not easy. You will probably end up angry and she will feel guilty all over again. In between those conversations if you two can manage to focus on the positive for a while that helps too.

If divorce is the only choice you can live with, lawyer up and delete this thread. Don't want her being able to try to document you hiding assets.

One final thought, her actions, even if she thinks they were in response to your actions, are not your fault. Don't blame yourself.

 

[churchmouse]

Most has already been covered.
1st, will/would you forgive her. Seriously forgive here. This is a major issue. Some could let it go, some could not. It might be a deal breaker. I this will haunt you that will be an issue that even counseling my not undo.

2nd, any kids at home. This issue has to be thought out very carefully.

3rd, finances. You may want to just walk away but this has to be covered. You will regret it if you do not protect yourself financially.

I have tried the amiable split. It just hardly ever really works.

I am on #3 and it is 34 years and still going. We have kept our partnership alive through everything life can throw at us and we have had it all.

 

[lordjackel]

16 years for me till I caught the X cheating. In my opinion, you will never trust her again. Ever cell call, evening run to the store, girls night out will make your mind spin about what she is really doing...even with counseling. In my case we sat down and talked through next steps. Deciding we were done we actually agreed on everything so didn't need any lawyers (even had kids involved). We are still friends to this day (still have 16 years of history but not together), she is remarried and I got the kids...win win (well at least for me...LOL)

Point of my story is, if you can, sit down in a quiet place and talk it out. What you each want? What issues you will need to overcome to do what you want. Etc. Use this as a guide for next steps.

Good luck...best suggestion is to try and keep your emotions in check. One mis-step on your part and you will sink any leverage you have.

 

[shibumiseeker]

First, do NOT make any decisions in the heat of the moment.

Was this an isolated incident for which she's penitent or is in an ongoing occurrence that is likely to repeat. If the latter then get yourself a lawyer and follow his or her advice.

If it is the former then you need to evaluate whether the marriage is worth saving. ALL relationships go through rocky patches for a variety of reasons. You may not want to salvage it in the heat of the moment, but trust can be rebuilt to a degree of you both are willing to work on it. Outside counseling can help here. Not so much to "save" your marriage, but to have an objective third party help you make rational decisions. That decision MAY lead to divorce or it MAY lead to further resolve to work through it, but either way a good counselor will help you ensure you aren't being foolish in your decision.


Either way, good luck. It's not easy, but it also isn't the worst thing that can happen to you by a lot, no matter what it seems like in the pain of the now.

 

[88GT]

First, do NOT make any decisions in the heat of the moment.

Was this an isolated incident for which she's penitent or is in an ongoing occurrence that is likely to repeat. If the latter then get yourself a lawyer and follow his or her advice.

If it is the former then you need to evaluate whether the marriage is worth saving. ALL relationships go through rocky patches for a variety of reasons. You may not want to salvage it in the heat of the moment, but trust can be rebuilt to a degree of you both are willing to work on it. Outside counseling can help here. Not so much to "save" your marriage, but to have an objective third party help you make rational decisions. That decision MAY lead to divorce or it MAY lead to further resolve to work through it, but either way a good counselor will help you ensure you aren't being foolish in your decision.


Either way, good luck. It's not easy, but it also isn't the worst thing that can happen to you by a lot, no matter what it seems like in the pain of the now.

I like this response (as someone married 12 years who twice was faced with the other party threatening to walk, without any provocation on my part).

To the comments that you will never trust her again, or that once a cheater always a cheater, or whatever, understand those are based on that person's experience, that person's priorities, and that person's history with that person's spouse. NOT YOURS. Only you can know what really lies underneath it all. (And I'm going to be flamed royally for this, but if you think cheating was out of character for her and you don't just want to toss the last 25 years into the trash heap as a matter of course, then you'd best be serious about getting to the root of the problem, because true loyalty and infidelity aren't so quickly tossed aside just because. If she isn't the kind of person to be selfish and back-stabbing by nature, then something else helped her make that fateful decision. And that something else probably has more than a little to do with her perception of the relationship you two have. Important note: I am not excusing her behavior. I am not saying she was justified. She was wrong and nothing justifies it. But that doesn't mean there isn't a reason for it. If you are considering salvaging the marriage, you'd best address the reason or you'll be back in the same spot before you know it.)

And if there are minor kids, then I cannot in any way condone divorce, unless her behavior puts the children at risk.

 

[GodFearinGunTotin]

I`m not going to post too much personal stuff on the interwebs, Just a simple question.
For those of you that have been thru it, How do/did you deal with it ? (Wife caught cheating)


And I don`t drink, so that`s out
Rick

I'm very sorry for your current plight. Fortunately, I've never found myself in your situation so I can't give any sort of first hand advice. If you're a religious person, I would recommend that you pray on it; consult your pastor/priest/etc. If you're a member of a church, maybe there's a support group there for you to lean on. Or maybe lean on your family and friends for support. But as a few have mentioned, only you know what's in your heart and what is important to you (and kids, if you have them) and careful contemplation is in order.

Prayers for you and your family and your marriage.

 

[Hookeye]

Be business polite and lawyer up.

 

[Blown71X]

Thanks everybody, unfortunately there is no fixing this and it really sucks because I thought I had a friend and companion for life.
No children thankfully


"Tough time in life" is an understatement !

 

[JMoses]

I don't care what anyone says, if she's cheated on you, she's probably done it more than you know and she WILL do it again.

 

[churchmouse]

Thanks everybody, unfortunately there is no fixing this and it really sucks because I thought I had a friend and companion for life.
No children thankfully


"Tough time in life" is an understatement !

Get a Lawyer and move forward. Cover your A$$ in every aspect of this no matter what she says.

 

[1911ly]

I have been threw a bad divorce. Luckily it did not involve cheating . Biggest suggestions I can make from my divorce is lawyer up to CYA. Don't but kids in the middle of the mess. This means zip the lip. don't bash the other person while dealing with the kids. No matter what happens. When the kids get old enough they will figure things out with any coaxing. Be civil when you deal with each other. Fighting doesn't do anything but raise the tension level. What happened happened. throwing it in someones face isn't going to bring a peaceful ended.

You will have to decide if you can trust her enough to save the marriage. I know people that have lived threw it. It's rare. If you have kids. What ever you do don't take the mind set of we'll stay together for the kids. That puts the kids threw even more grief. Unless you guys can zip the lip better then most.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[shootersix]

friends and family!, the two best things to have in a divorce!, talk and listen, you are not the only one to go thru this, friends and family will help you more than you know!

keep your spirits up!, mine was almost 18 years before she found love with someone 1/2 her age, and that new found love lasted 3 weeks, she's now married to a alcoholic who's told her he wants a divorce about 6 times(in 3 years) i've met my fiance, we've been together for 3 years, and havent had a argument yet!

it's feel's like your life ends when you marriage does, but it go's on! the pain will go away, talking helps!

OH and how about this(since you dont drink) have sex with her best friend, or little sister! or even better have a threesome with BOTH!

that'll teach her!

 

[spec4]

Thanks everybody, unfortunately there is no fixing this and it really sucks because I thought I had a friend and companion for life.
No children thankfully


"Tough time in life" is an understatement !

Suggest you turn off computer and call a lawyer. Move whatever money you can out of her control. Consider getting not only your guns, but other valuables out of the house where she can grab them.. My brother's shack job threw him out (our mother owned the house) and among other things stole our fathers Purple Heart. CYA