Banned from Walmart...

[Jack Burton]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

Bonus reps to the first INGOer who tries at leave five of these

 

[GodFearinGunTotin]

Subscribing for AAR's...I'll double Jack's reps.

 

[KellyinAvon]

I was in tears by #15.

 

[IrishSon of Liberty]

Thanks, I needed a good laugh! I want to try #10 & #11 at the same time!

 

[Kirk Freeman]

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

Combine those two and this happened to me slinging guns at Galyan's.

Guy wanted to see a P-35. I clear it and hand it to him. Suddenly he jumps back doing '70s cop show poses with the pistol pointed all over and screeching (I cannot remember what). I hit him high, my co-worker hit him low. Store dick rushed him off the back for the pooooleece.

 

[SaintsNSinners]

I've already done alot of those.... WTF

 

[Bennettjh]

That's good!

 

[Indy-Mike]

Now I have 16 reasons or goals for going to Wally World. Way funny.

 

[dswanso1]

Hahaha, that's awesome! Thank you for that!

 

[Sweetums]

Combine those two and this happened to me slinging guns at Galyan's.

Guy wanted to see a P-35. I clear it and hand it to him. Suddenly he jumps back doing '70s cop show poses with the pistol pointed all over and screeching (I cannot remember what). I hit him high, my co-worker hit him low. Store dick rushed him off the back for the pooooleece.

Rep'd because I miss Galyan's.

 

[wolfman]

I already have 4 of those, the alarm clock one is a lot of fun if you set them 2 minutes apart then wait around for them to go off. Mmmmm wonder which I should make the 5th?

 

[88GT]

Oh, Sweet Aunt Jemima. That was good.

 

[buford t justice]

Had an uncle who actually did no. 16 or is that no. 2 but he was ninety and had alzheimer's

 

[RedneckReject]

Many years ago I worked for WalMart while they were doing a store remodel. Lots of taking crap off the shelves, replacing old shelves with new ones, and putting crap back on the shelf. One night I realized I had a cart full of every condom and lubricant that the store had stocked. My manager didn't think it was very funny, but the cashier about died laughing when she looked up and saw my cart in her lane.

 

[danmdevries]

Guilty of 1, 2, 6, 9

 

[ghuns]

Does it count if I do a #16, five times?

 

[9mmfan]

Just great! Well worth logging into INGO before I leave for work!

 

[Mark 1911]

Too funny. Just asked the wife to ride over to Wal-Mart with me.

 

[HoughMade]

Some of those are funny, very funny.....but brevity is the soul of wit.

 

[indiucky]

"And stay out of the Woolworth's!"

from "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?"

O Brother Where Art Thou - Woolsworth - YouTube