Got this in an email. Doesn't really apply to me since I much prefer pooping at work to pooping at home. When I sit down at the throne to do my business I always think, "I should be getting paid to do this."
For others, this informative guide should help remove a bit of the awkwardness associated with workplace pooping.
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
*FLY BY* the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment... If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band to
gether to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars.. Very effective when used in conjunction
with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot.. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It
doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining
so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens
at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet for so
long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
ETA: Perhaps this belongs in Survival and Disaster Preparedness forum, IDK
For others, this informative guide should help remove a bit of the awkwardness associated with workplace pooping.
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
*FLY BY* the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment... If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band to
gether to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars.. Very effective when used in conjunction
with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot.. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It
doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining
so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens
at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet for so
long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
ETA: Perhaps this belongs in Survival and Disaster Preparedness forum, IDK
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