HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I did not buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still have not used the gift I bought you last year!"
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
When our lawn mower broke and would not run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt. " So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy! " So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then? "
my wife said, 'Do I look fat in these?'
I answered, 'Um ....'
I never owned a "Shania Twain" CD until I got divorced: I saw her on TV in the late '90's in a video and told my ex-wife she was incredible. My ex responded with "...if you like her 'GD' singing that much, buy her CD and listen to her all you want in your truck...", to which I replied, "Oh, she sings?"
After not seeing an ex-girlfriend of mine for some years and after I had lost a considerable amount of weight, we ran into each other at a mutual friend's birthday. The first thing she said when she walked up to me was, "wow, you look hungry, can I feed you?" To which I replied, "nah I'm good. Besides, by the looks of it, you're eating enough for the both of us."
My wife and I were watching a neighbor's prized poodle while he was on vacation. She was in heat, when a friend of mine, a dog enthusiast, noticed the poodle and asked us, "What do you feed this *****?"I said, "She does the cooking. I just feed the poodle Kibbles and Bits."
an older frien and I went to breakfast at a truckstop. I ordered biscuits and gravy, and when the waitress asked what my elderly friend would have, without thinking I said--He's like two eggs over 50. "Over 50, what's that", she said.
Half-hard, I replied.
my girlfriend was holding her jaw. What's wrong-I said. I have a toothache & can hardly open my mouth, she replied.
Well, there goes my fun for the night, I said.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
Nah, she can order for herself.”
I When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I did not buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still have not used the gift I bought you last year!"
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
When our lawn mower broke and would not run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt. " So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy! " So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then? "
my wife said, 'Do I look fat in these?'
I answered, 'Um ....'
I never owned a "Shania Twain" CD until I got divorced: I saw her on TV in the late '90's in a video and told my ex-wife she was incredible. My ex responded with "...if you like her 'GD' singing that much, buy her CD and listen to her all you want in your truck...", to which I replied, "Oh, she sings?"
After not seeing an ex-girlfriend of mine for some years and after I had lost a considerable amount of weight, we ran into each other at a mutual friend's birthday. The first thing she said when she walked up to me was, "wow, you look hungry, can I feed you?" To which I replied, "nah I'm good. Besides, by the looks of it, you're eating enough for the both of us."
My wife and I were watching a neighbor's prized poodle while he was on vacation. She was in heat, when a friend of mine, a dog enthusiast, noticed the poodle and asked us, "What do you feed this *****?"I said, "She does the cooking. I just feed the poodle Kibbles and Bits."
an older frien and I went to breakfast at a truckstop. I ordered biscuits and gravy, and when the waitress asked what my elderly friend would have, without thinking I said--He's like two eggs over 50. "Over 50, what's that", she said.
Half-hard, I replied.
my girlfriend was holding her jaw. What's wrong-I said. I have a toothache & can hardly open my mouth, she replied.
Well, there goes my fun for the night, I said.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
Nah, she can order for herself.”
I When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
