I need some advice on how to talk racism with my kids

[INMIline]

My 13 year old daughter (ex foster placement adopted by me, she's puerto rican) was doing some fund raising work with the church. While doing a car wash she was hit in the face by a rock, had five lit cig butts thrown at her and was called the "N" word several times. This was in South Bend. She's is a happy go lucky honor student that achieved many accomplishments. From Student of the Month, honors awards, she wrote an essay that got her 4th grade teacher nominated Teacher of the Year in a Walmart contest. The list goes on. I wish I had been there. She shook it off, but damn it bothers me. I guess I am looking for advice on what I should say about how to handle situations like this. My biggest fear has always been one of my girls getting discriminated against. I really wish I would have been there.


Edit:
It was a group of churches that volunteered. 300+ kids total. They traveled for four days doing odd work. The adults supervising either didn't see much or were affraid. I am not sure, but these were youth pastors and I am sure they aren't the "stick up" for type

 

[gunman41mag]

EVIL people are ignorant & don't change, She must learn that she is a better person than those racist full of hate.

 

[Benny]

My 13 year old daughter (ex foster placement adopted by me, she's puerto rican) was doing some fund raising work with the church. While doing a car wash she was hit in the face by a rock, had five lit cig butts thrown at her and was called the "N" word several times.

Are you ****ing kidding me?

WTF is wrong with some people?

I really wish I would have been there.

Me too.



I'd just tell her that people like that are ignorant pieces of **** and anyone that is going to treat her with disrespect based on the color of her skin aren't worth losing sleep over.

 

[christman]

Sorry to hear that. The physical altercation is really surprising to me at a church event. Makes me wonder how well this whole thing was supervised and how welcoming South Bend is...The best way to talk to her about racism is to help her understand that bigots are everywhere and to let her decide for herself through her own experiences where to best use her time/intelligence. If it happens now, its gonna always happen. The outcome for most instances depends on how much she allows them to know its getting to her. Tell her to never give them the benefit of knowing they are winning with their stupidity.

 

[goinggreyfast]

I am so very sorry this happened. It truly breaks my heart to hear stuff like this. I know that when I witness things like this in public, I dol not hesitate to step in and do all I can to rebuke the offenders. I only wish I could say something to take the pain away. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers if it's any consolation.

 

[Westside]

First hope she is OK.

I am joining in with what Gunman41mag has to say.
Being she was at church function I would have thought that someone there would confront the, I'm assuming" multiple people who did this. It takes a real big man to pick on a 13 year old child, regardless of gender or race. I would like to say more but the mods would make me take a vacation if I did.

 

[UncleMike]

My 13 year old daughter (ex foster placement adopted by me, she's puerto rican) was doing some fund raising work with the church. While doing a car wash she was hit in the face by a rock, had five lit cig butts thrown at her and was called the "N" word several times. This was in South Bend. She's is a happy go lucky honor student that achieved many accomplishments. From Student of the Month, honors awards, she wrote an essay that got her 4th grade teacher nominated Teacher of the Year in a Walmart contest. The list goes on. I wish I had been there. She shook it off, but damn it bothers me. I guess I am looking for advice on what I should say about how to handle situations like this. My biggest fear has always been one of my girls getting discriminated against. I really wish I would have been there.

Unfortunately we allow stupid people, like racists, to live among us and foul the air with their stench.
My Son In Law is Puerto Rican and he overcame that crap through education. He's a well respected Chemical Engineer for a large company and doesn't give a damn what other people think about his ethnicity.
He's happy with himself and that is what truly matters.

 

[PatriotPride]

Damn. That's unbelievable. To take out your issues on a 13 year-old child is inexcusable.

 

[gunman41mag]

First hope she is OK.

I am joining in with what Gunman41mag has to say.
Being she was at church function I would have thought that someone there would confront the, I'm assuming" multiple people who did this. It takes a real big man to pick on a 13 year old child, regardless of gender or race. I would like to say more but the mods would make me take a vacation if I did.

That is why I had to cut my sentence short Cause I was going into dangerous words, from cuss to threat

 

[parsimonious]

That is terrible.

I don't know if this helps, but this is my favorite opinion on racism.
I think it's attributed to glenn beck, from years ago, but not sure.
maybe mike mcconnell.

Racism is stupid and or lazy. Because with just a little bit of work,
you can hate someone for who they really are.

 

[KG1]

My 13 year old daughter (ex foster placement adopted by me, she's puerto rican) was doing some fund raising work with the church. While doing a car wash she was hit in the face by a rock, had five lit cig butts thrown at her and was called the "N" word several times. This was in South Bend. She's is a happy go lucky honor student that achieved many accomplishments. From Student of the Month, honors awards, she wrote an essay that got her 4th grade teacher nominated Teacher of the Year in a Walmart contest. The list goes on. I wish I had been there. She shook it off, but damn it bothers me. I guess I am looking for advice on what I should say about how to handle situations like this. My biggest fear has always been one of my girls getting discriminated against. I really wish I would have been there.

Hearing something like this makes me wish we could all be there Just let her know that there are people out here that do care.

 

[Fletch]

Everything I needed to know about racism I learned by reading X-Men.

As for the incident in question, I'd have to go with copious amounts of love and affection, coupled with the no-****ter approach: Honey, the world is full of *******s. Ignore them as best you can, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are.

 

[techres]

I would remind her of three rules to remember:

We all come from the same source.
We all will stand one day to answer for what we have done.
Some may end up needing to be sent in to answer a bit early.

Actually, #3 really is:

You are what you do when it counts.

The people who treated her badly have made clear who and what they are and will answer for it eventually.

 

[! twitty]

Truly makes me sick to my stomach to think about the ignorance we are surrounded by every day of our lives. I have a 3 year old daughter and constantly think about the awful and idiotic stuff she will hear/see through out her life. All I can say is that I wish you well with comforting her.

 

[Bigum1969]

I'm really sorry your daughter had to go through this...

As others have said, shower her with love and make sure she knows that, unfortunately, there world has quite a few ignorant people in it.

Racism is ignorance, plain and simple.

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

A good place to start would be for you yourself (and everyone reading this) to learn the definitions of "racism", "bigotry", and "racial bias".

Once you know those, you can begin working on teaching others.

NOT to take anything away from your daughter's cruddy experiences, but in order to combat something, we must fist know what it is we're dealing with.

-J-

 

[ElsiePeaRN]

I'm sorry your daughter had to experience that. As adults, it can be hard to help our children learn to cope with something when we haven't figured out how to do it ourselves Anger can blind us sometimes, and I know I have been very angry at some of the things my minority family members have had to suffer through.

I think the best thing we can do is to help our children develop healthy coping styles.
The most effective way to do that is to model effective coping strategies ourselves, ones that are not based on anger & negativity.

I remember reading a study about common coping styles typically developed by African American children.

1) Submissive coping style: racism is out there, and there's nothing you can do about it. Be polite and submissive to the white people.

2) Active-avoidance coping style: work extra hard to make up for the racism you will face, be careful of trusting white people, and avoid doing anything that would cause people to hassle you.

3) Contextualized, reality-based agentic coping style: know your own worth, and don't believe any of the racist stereotypes that are applied to you. Rise above the racism, and don't lose your own identity.

4) Self-assertion coping style: actively stand up for yourself and confront people about their racism. Don't let anybody get away with harassing you

The last two seemed the most useful to me. I think building self-esteem and a strong sense of self in our children needs to be the basis for teaching them how to deal with any disappointing and hurtful behavior of others.

Here's an article that you may or may not find useful since your daughter is already 13. It's from an Asian perspective, but the issue is the same.

Preparing our Children for Racism by F Wang

And another - http://www.teachingforchange.org/files/027-A.pdf

 

[ElsiePeaRN]

A good place to start would be for you yourself (and everyone reading this) to learn the definitions of "racism", "bigotry", and "racial bias".

I respectfully disagree that when you are helping a child deal with the hurt of racism that worrying about semantics and the fine differences between bigotry and racism is at all useful.

 

[Expat]

South Bend is a very racially diverse community, so I am pretty surprised.

 

[85t5mcss]

First off, being a parent, I am sincerely sorry you and your family had to go through this and continue to go through it. Unfortunately it IS part of our society and it doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. Best we can do is teach our children better than what they are having to deal with. Don't be part of the problem and hate the stereotypes that are hating us. They will get theirs in the end-define however u like, and I will not let them ruin my life or the life of a fmily member or friend. I will stand up against the hate, the bigotry, the stupidity and mold my life into what I want. Best of luck and glad that she is OK.

Unfortunately racial discrimination has many faces. Please help her understand that not all people are like this. There will always be a certain amount of hatred and it is how WE handle it that will make us who we are. And as long as she understands this, she will not let it mold her into something she does not want to be.

FWIW- I almost landed myself in jail due to a confrontation with a neighbor and how his son was treating my daughter. He moved shortly after. And I am Indy-so we have diversity as well.