- Jan 12, 2012
- 27,286
- 113
I am happy to hear that things are finally working out, and hope that you find contentment in whatever direction you go from here.
Now that I have edited out the text of exactly what I am thinking*, I will encourage you to make the most of the time you have to overcome the disruption the ex caused in your relationship with your children. This is one of those times when being kind and honest can be a difficult balancing act, but a necessary one.
A critical element of this is making sure that they aren't placed in the middle of the conflict with the ex. I have plenty of bad memories from the ripe old age of four of my parents doing things like my mom convincing me that dad was literally going to Hell (he didn't come to salvation until later in life, but that is an entirely different issue) which is a terrible thing to say to a child. I also had to listen to dad haranguing me about mom (which was completely unnecessary) what seemed like constantly. They both also got the idea at varying times that they could strike at each other by striking at me. The intended results never really materialized but they certainly succeeded at making me miserable. On top of all this, probably the worst thing is that they both expected me to serve as a partisan in their fight, which was probably the single most destructive thing either of them did, and my guess is that they have already had this demand placed on them from the other side. The best you can do if it becomes an issue is to remind them that it isn't their fight.
I have no doubt that you can manage a good relationship with your children independent of the conflict with the ex, but I would expect, based on what you have shared, that if she operates in such an underhanded manner, then she probably has been doing her utmost to wreck the kids' feelings for you. This can be a difficult thing to overcome, but again, that balance of kindness, love, and honesty is critical.
From here, make the most of the time you have with them and remember that quality time doesn't require entertainment per se, but does require time spent in a comfortable environment with solid interaction. My dad, well, let's just say that he failed to do this in a huge way and I still haven't forgotten being ignored as a captive audience. Fact of the matter, I was just starting to see some measurable improvement in our relationship in the last couple of years before he died.
*My own experiences have left me with a deep, unwavering hatred for people who hurt children in most any regard (don't get me wrong, I believe in warming up seats that need it, but that is different from mental and/or physical abuse), and this resonated with the mention upthread of services available for less than $30K expressed in form better kept to myself.
Now that I have edited out the text of exactly what I am thinking*, I will encourage you to make the most of the time you have to overcome the disruption the ex caused in your relationship with your children. This is one of those times when being kind and honest can be a difficult balancing act, but a necessary one.
A critical element of this is making sure that they aren't placed in the middle of the conflict with the ex. I have plenty of bad memories from the ripe old age of four of my parents doing things like my mom convincing me that dad was literally going to Hell (he didn't come to salvation until later in life, but that is an entirely different issue) which is a terrible thing to say to a child. I also had to listen to dad haranguing me about mom (which was completely unnecessary) what seemed like constantly. They both also got the idea at varying times that they could strike at each other by striking at me. The intended results never really materialized but they certainly succeeded at making me miserable. On top of all this, probably the worst thing is that they both expected me to serve as a partisan in their fight, which was probably the single most destructive thing either of them did, and my guess is that they have already had this demand placed on them from the other side. The best you can do if it becomes an issue is to remind them that it isn't their fight.
I have no doubt that you can manage a good relationship with your children independent of the conflict with the ex, but I would expect, based on what you have shared, that if she operates in such an underhanded manner, then she probably has been doing her utmost to wreck the kids' feelings for you. This can be a difficult thing to overcome, but again, that balance of kindness, love, and honesty is critical.
From here, make the most of the time you have with them and remember that quality time doesn't require entertainment per se, but does require time spent in a comfortable environment with solid interaction. My dad, well, let's just say that he failed to do this in a huge way and I still haven't forgotten being ignored as a captive audience. Fact of the matter, I was just starting to see some measurable improvement in our relationship in the last couple of years before he died.
*My own experiences have left me with a deep, unwavering hatred for people who hurt children in most any regard (don't get me wrong, I believe in warming up seats that need it, but that is different from mental and/or physical abuse), and this resonated with the mention upthread of services available for less than $30K expressed in form better kept to myself.
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