INGO: Joke of the day page

[JCSR]

Guy sits at the bar and orders 5 shots of their best whisky.

Bartender sets them up and the man kills them one after another without taking a breath.

Bartender says , I've never seen anyone drink like that in my life.

Guys says well you'd drink like that if you got what I have.

Bartender say OMG what is it you have?

Guys says .......... $2

 

[actaeon277]

 

[edporch]

Not really a joke but a question that I heard years ago and never could figure it out.

3 guys get a hotel room for a night. The room cost $30, so the 3 men decide to split it and pay $10 each. After paying, the 3 men head up to their room.

The manager informs the desk clerk that they have a deal going on, and the room is only $25 tonight. He gives the clerk $5 and tells him to return tye money to the 3 men.

On the way to their room, the clerk is thinking how he can divide the money up evenly, since he has $5 to split between 3 people. He decides he will keep $2, and give them $3 back, giving each person $1 back.

This means each of the 3 people has now paid $9 a piece, and the clerk has kept $2.

9 x 3 = 27

27 + 2 = 29

Where did the other $1 go?

Missing dollar riddle - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[AndreusMaximus]

You know how sometimes you're cooking, and you're adding an ingredient and there's just a little bit left in the bottom of the container, so you want to use the rest up and you say to yourself, "Yeah, that looks close enough," and dump it all in, but then it turns out to be way more than it looked like, and you go "Well, darn, now I've got way too much of that in my recipe."

I think sometimes when God is making people he does that with the last bit of stupid in the bottom of the container.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[El Conquistador]

Cops came to my door the other day and said my dog was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them my dog doesn’t even own a bike,

 

[hooky]

Cops came to my door the other day and said my dog was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them my dog doesn’t even own a bike,

It reminds me of the classic - "They told me you ate crap sandwiches, but I stuck up for you. I told them you don't even like bread."

 

[DCR]

I ran across this one in my notes, apparently a true story and one of my favorites.

Somewhere there was a middle school where the young teenage girls were in the habit of putting on lipstick and testing it by kissing the mirrors in the restroom. This was causing some consternation for the janitor, but the principal had an ingenious solution. She called the girls into the restroom with Mr. Janitor to tell them what a bother it was to clean the mirrors. She asked the janitor to demonstrate. He dipped a squeegee into a toilet and swiped it across the mirror. Problem solved.

 

[DragonGunner]

Jimmy Stewart story he told. Wife asks her husband if she dies will he remarry? He doesn't want to talk about it but she hounds him night and day about it. Finally he says sure he would probably be lonely and might marry again. "Would you sell the house or let her live in our house?" He says, "Well the house is paid for I see no reason to sell it so ya she would live here." She asks, "What about our bed, would you sell it and get a new one or will she be using my bed also?" He again says, "Well theres nothing wrong with the bed so I guess she would sleep in it." Then she says, "What about my golf clubs, would you let her use my golf clubs also?" He says, "Of course not." She says, "Well why not, you let her sleep in my bed and live in my house why wouldn't you let her use my golf clubs?" He says, "Cause she's left handed."

 

[daddyusmaximus]

When the Rapture comes, God will call the men home first.
We go 30 minutes prior to the women.
Revelation Ch8, Vs 1... "When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour."

 

[actaeon277]

 

[manifest destiny]

Non-alcoholic beer is for people who don't want a buzz but still want to pee a lot.

 

[Ballstater98]

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, the other is a command.

 

[Max Volume]

Why don't ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow weenies.

 

[MCgrease08]

 

[MCgrease08]

 

[MCgrease08]

 

[MCgrease08]

 

[MCgrease08]

 

[MCgrease08]