INGO: Joke of the day page

[tatters]

St. Patty's Day joke

Just in time for St Patrick's day...








An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..







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[NFANut]

Lincoln and Obama are very much alike

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was hugely respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

[Bill of Rights]

...
Lincoln was a conniving liar. Obama is a conniving liar.

Lincoln ignored the Constitutional limits on his power while in office. Obama is off to a good start.

Lincoln had 13 states that he disgusted so badly, they left the Union. We have more states now-shall we go for 30?

 

[Blue Tile Spook]

1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,

witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with aliens

aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S.

Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine

months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Barack Obama

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J.. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now You Know.

 

[cosermann]

Friend 1: I've been seeing spots lately.
Friend 2: Have you seen a doctor?
Friend 1: No, just spots.

(Rim shot please! Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week.)

 

[NFANut]

Voted the best joke in Australia - or so someone said...


Bob walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.”
The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

 

[NFANut]

WIT AND WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL and others

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S.Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit t he ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons"
- General Macarthur
------------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be first, don't ever be last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you ."
- Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base - Kadena, Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you! always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
---------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
---------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
---------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

 

[Turn Key]

Leave it to Maxine

Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that America is in economically now.


I bought a bird feeder. I hung
it on my back porch and filled
it with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, and the table …
everywhere!

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket...

And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be..... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.

Then the illegal’s came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than 'Old Glory' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
continue cleaning up the poop.





TK

 

[semperfi211]

A dedicated teamster union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

 

[Roadie]

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das Wasser nicht.
Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
Which means:
"Don't drink the water, the cows have sh!t in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I do not understand your gibberish... Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man calmly says:​

"Use two hands, and you'll get more!"​

 

[Grizhicks]

An attractive blond woman from Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand bucks on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude... With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.

 

[mikea46996]

Explaining Politics to a 12 yr old..

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."

 

[mikea46996]

16 Different Fart Personalities!!

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

 

[mikea46996]

The F word and the English langauge!!!!

Can not post here so....

Clicky---->Swearing Lesson

 

[mikea46996]

Country Life

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.

That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.

The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to finally have some company. Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."

The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."

The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."

The man said, " that's OK too, and like to do a little fighting."

Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some sex."

The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?" The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"

The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

 

[whiskeytangofoxtrot]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.


"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.


Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.


As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

 

[Timjoebillybob]

New element discovered

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a notion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons’ reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. [/FONT]

 

[semperfi211]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off
(you'll remember the Bobbits, yes?). Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl
was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car
windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her
father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said... 'Sure
had a big dick, didn't it?'

 

[jmiller676]

I think I peed

 

[Turn Key]

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

TK