- Jan 12, 2012
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Be sure to read this post! Beware of scammers. https://www.indianagunowners.com/threads/classifieds-new-online-payment-guidelines-rules-paypal-venmo-zelle-etc.511734/
INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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Three guys survive a plane crash on a remote island. They are quickly captured by a native tribe. As a test of strength, the tribe leader tells them to go into the forrest and bring back any fruit of their choice. If they can complete the task demanded of them upon their return, their life will be spared. They head out into the forrest and quickly, guy #1 returns with 2 pears. He is told he will have to insert them into his....uummm...."backside" without ANY expression whatsoever. If he does his life will be spared. As he is preparing, he sees guy #2 coming back with a small handfull of grapes. He starts the "trial" and can't do it. He is promptly executed.
As he is standing at the pearly gates, guy #2 shows up. #1 says "What happend? You only had a few grapes." Guy #2 said "I know. But as I was almost finished, guy #3 came back with a pineapple. I couldn't hold back my laughter."
As he is standing at the pearly gates, guy #2 shows up. #1 says "What happend? You only had a few grapes." Guy #2 said "I know. But as I was almost finished, guy #3 came back with a pineapple. I couldn't hold back my laughter."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Three churches in town, A Presbyterian church, a Methodist church and a Baptist church, were all overrun with rats. Each board met with its pastor to discuss the problem and possible solutions.
The Presbyterian pastor met with his board and announced that the rats were predestined to be in the church. As such, there was nothing they could do.
The Methodist minister met with his deacons and instructed them that the rats were God's creatures, and, as such, they had no authority to evict the rats.
However, the Baptist preacher spoke to his elders and announced that he would solve the problem by baptizing all the rats. Through the elders' astonished objections the preacher baptized the rats. Now they only show up at the church on Christmas and Easter.
The Presbyterian pastor met with his board and announced that the rats were predestined to be in the church. As such, there was nothing they could do.
The Methodist minister met with his deacons and instructed them that the rats were God's creatures, and, as such, they had no authority to evict the rats.
However, the Baptist preacher spoke to his elders and announced that he would solve the problem by baptizing all the rats. Through the elders' astonished objections the preacher baptized the rats. Now they only show up at the church on Christmas and Easter.
I was supposed to meet a client at a hoity-toity restaurant downtown. A arrived just in time but forgot my necktie, which was required to eat at this place. I told the matradee I'd be right back. Went to the car to see what I could find. The only thing I could find was a set of jumper cables. I tied a perfect double Windsor knot and headed back in. The matradee looked and made a phone call. He said, "Ok. We'll let you in.......BUT DON'T START ANYTHING!!!!"
Little Johnny
One day the teacher asks the class if someone could stand up and use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Billy raises his hand and stands up. He says "my parents took me to the State Fair and I was fascinated by all the wonderful exhibits" then sits down.
The teacher says "I asked for the word fascinate and not fascinated but good try Billy. Anyone else want to try?"
Suzy raises her hand and stands up. She says "we went to Chicago and I found the different buildings fascinating." Then she sits back down.
The teacher says " I asked for fascinate and not fascinating. Close but not right. Who else wants to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands up. He says "my aunt Roxy has a sweater with 10 buttons on the front. But, her boobs are so big she can only fascinate."
One day the teacher asks the class if someone could stand up and use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Billy raises his hand and stands up. He says "my parents took me to the State Fair and I was fascinated by all the wonderful exhibits" then sits down.
The teacher says "I asked for the word fascinate and not fascinated but good try Billy. Anyone else want to try?"
Suzy raises her hand and stands up. She says "we went to Chicago and I found the different buildings fascinating." Then she sits back down.
The teacher says " I asked for fascinate and not fascinating. Close but not right. Who else wants to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands up. He says "my aunt Roxy has a sweater with 10 buttons on the front. But, her boobs are so big she can only fascinate."
A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?
Her husband says, “Yes I would remarry, I like living a married life and spending time with someone else.”
The wife gets uncomfortable and asks him, “Well, would you let her live in our house?”
And the husband says, “Yes, I’d let her live here, there’s nothing wrong with this house.”
That worries the wife more, so then she asks, “Well, would you let her sleep in our bed?”
The husband says, “Yes, I like my bed and I don’t want to get rid of it, I’d let her sleep in it.”
This only makes the wife more worried, so she feels compelled to say, “Well, at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs.”
The husband says, “Don’t worry, she will never use your clubs, she’s left-handed.”
Her husband says, “Yes I would remarry, I like living a married life and spending time with someone else.”
The wife gets uncomfortable and asks him, “Well, would you let her live in our house?”
And the husband says, “Yes, I’d let her live here, there’s nothing wrong with this house.”
That worries the wife more, so then she asks, “Well, would you let her sleep in our bed?”
The husband says, “Yes, I like my bed and I don’t want to get rid of it, I’d let her sleep in it.”
This only makes the wife more worried, so she feels compelled to say, “Well, at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs.”
The husband says, “Don’t worry, she will never use your clubs, she’s left-handed.”
Informed Decision
Sharpshooter
A new kid gets hired on with a Kentucky contractor. Being new , the Forman decides to keep a close eye on him. He tells the kids to take a bucket of nails & hammer around the other side of the building & nail up loose boards. After a while he pokes his head around the corner to check on him. He watches him take a nail from the bucket & drive it home like a pro. Then the next two nails, the kid holds them up to the boards, looks at the nails, & throws the nail over his shoulder , & grabs another, & drives it again like a pro. The Forman watches this happen repeatedly & realizes that he has to put a stop to this. He goes up to the new kid & asks why he keeps throwing nails over his shoulder. The kid says that he grabs the nail to hit it but the head is on the wrong side, so he pitches it. The Forman realizing how much the kid is wasting, says to him....
Don't throw them away... We can use them on the other side!!
Don't throw them away... We can use them on the other side!!
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,"I have a Glock 9mm with a ten round magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo".
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo".
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
So, having proved his ability twice over, despite monumental, artificially imposed handicaps, continuing to jump through others' hoops constitutes a "no-brainer"?
Is that what you're saying?
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