INGO: Joke of the day page

[Doug]

What does a red-neck divorce have in common with a tornado?
You can be sure someone's going to lose a trailer.

 

[Roadie]

I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.

 

[sharkey]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

[jamil]

What does a red-neck divorce have in common with a tornado?
You can be sure someone's going to lose a trailer.

First time I heard that I had to travel to Dallas on business with a colleague, a Missippi good ol' boy. He and one of the Texas good ol' boys got into a 20 minute non-stop back and forth Missippi vs Texas jokefest. That was one of them, but it went more like, why is a Texas divorce like a Texas twister? Either way someone's losing a trailer.

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[rhino]

That deserves a slow-clap that rolls into a standing ovation.

 

[jamil]

Maybe this could happen with SOME Pope. But not the current one. He's probably on the payroll.

 

[rhino]

I could see JP II doing it.

 

[AmmoManAaron]

Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?
















It got stuck in a crack.

 

[spencer rifle]

Why does the new Italian Navy have glass-bottom boats?

So they can see the old Italian Navy.

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[Jerchap2]

Mark was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches… the bad news is that it will require castration.” You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Mark was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “that’s what I need .. a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 42 long.” Mark laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Mark tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Mark admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “how about a new shirt?” Mark thought for a moment and then said “sure…” The salesman eyed Mark and said “let’s see…34 sleeves and…16 and a half neck.” Mark was surprised, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years” Mark tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Mark adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked “how about some new shoes?” Mark was on a roll and said “sure!”

The salesman eyed Mark’s feet and said “Let’s see… 10-1/2…E.” Mark said astonished, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Mark tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Mark walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked “how about some new underwear?”Mark thought for a second and said, “sure!” The salesman stepped back, eyed Mark’s waist and said “Let’s see… size 36.”

Mark laughed, “Ah ha! I got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

 

[Ericpwp]

 

[jamil]

Mark was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches… the bad news is that it will require castration.” You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Mark was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “that’s what I need .. a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 42 long.” Mark laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Mark tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Mark admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “how about a new shirt?” Mark thought for a moment and then said “sure…” The salesman eyed Mark and said “let’s see…34 sleeves and…16 and a half neck.” Mark was surprised, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years” Mark tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Mark adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked “how about some new shoes?” Mark was on a roll and said “sure!”

The salesman eyed Mark’s feet and said “Let’s see… 10-1/2…E.” Mark said astonished, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Mark tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Mark walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked “how about some new underwear?”Mark thought for a second and said, “sure!” The salesman stepped back, eyed Mark’s waist and said “Let’s see… size 36.”

Mark laughed, “Ah ha! I got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Ha!

Moral of the story: Always see the tailor first.

 

[Jerchap2]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife… “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks
“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! “God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here… on the swing,” replied the drunk.

 

[Dirtebiker]

Why didn't the bicycle cross the road?











it was two tired!

 

[BugI02]

Two Irishmen have closed down the Pub and are walking home

Their path takes them past a graveyard. One of the pair looks over the fence and reads a gravestone prominently placed within

It reads 'Here Lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man'

Nudging his friend, the first man says "Sure'n, Shawn, they've gone and buried two people in the same grave!"

 

[Speedybruin4]

Why don't kangaroos like light beers?

They're not hoppy enough

 

[CraigAPS]

A man goes to see his doctor. He tells the doctor: "Doc, I don't know what to do. I poop everyday at 8:00 AM sharp! No matter what I do, I can't stop it from happening!"
The doctor, puzzled, replies: "That means you're regular. I don't understand. Why do you think this is a problem?"
The man tells his doctor: "Well, I wake up at 9:00!"

 

[Jerchap2]

Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand… a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”