INGO: Joke of the day page

[miguel's sister]

Medical Q&A

Funny stuff in this thread!



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So, what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

[Myles]

I heard a comedian talking about the picture of an oil can on his car dashboard light. He said it did not look like an oil can to him.

He said "It looks like my car is low on gravy. Either that or I get 3 wishes".

 

[Titanium_Frost]

I heard a comedian talking about the picture of an oil can on his car dashboard light. He said it did not look like an oil can to him.

He said "It looks like my car is low on gravy. Either that or I get 3 wishes".

^^^Brian Regan.

• I love sandwiches. Sandwiches are easy to eat, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis; too much ****in' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. Walk in, order a pastrami sandwich. "Alright, anything else?" Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people! "What kinda bread?" Rye. No, ****, banana. You got banana bread back there? "What kinda cheese?" Cottage. "Get the **** out! I'm not makin' a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation!"

• You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

-Mitch Hedberg

 

[gunman41mag]

 

[JetGirl]

I got caught peeing in the public pool.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in!

 

[goinggreyfast]

I got caught peeing in the public pool.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

'Not with a carnation.'

 

[halfmileharry]

A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune: 'One U.S. Marine is better than 10 Taliban!' The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence. The voice then calls out, 'One U.S. Marine is better than 100 Taliban!' Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out once more, 'One U.S. Marine is better than 1,000 Taliban!' The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, 'Don't send any more men! It's a trap' There are two of them!

 

[spencer rifle]

Why does the new Italian Navy have glass-bottomed boats?
So they can see the old Italian Navy.

Complete with illustration!

 

[Redtbird]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.

My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your *ss you grouchy old b*tch! "

Touches the heart doesn't it?

 

[mrjarrell]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."




http://www.facebook.com/#

 

[Turn Key]

Old couple

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather
tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman
sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and
whispered - "Is that one word or two ?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[ThrottleJockey]

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof!

 

[Turn Key]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."


[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Ted]

The joke of the day: America reelected Obama.

 

[ThrottleJockey]

The joke of the day: America reelected Obama.

No one is laughing.

 

[downzero]

 

[Bill of Rights]

No one is laughing.

He never said it was a GOOD joke.

 

[vitamink]

A lady is in front of a man in the checkout line at the local grocery store. The lady begins setting her items on the conveyor belt and she notices the man watching her. She lays down a bevy of items with the man apparently paying close attention. Eggs, milk, cheese, bacon, broccoli, wine, shampoo and various other items slide there way towards the cash register. The man then taps her on the shoulder and chuckles to himself:

Man: HaHa. I just know you're single!

Lady: Wow, that's amazing! How can you tell?

Man: 'cuz your F***ing ugly.

 

[DarkRose]

Subject: Divorce of the blue and red states

In God We Trust

Since we are not going to get gasoline back to $1.50 per gallon and coffee to $2.00 per pound maybe this would be a solution we could live with.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT -- This is so incredibly well-put, and I can hardly believe it's by a young person, a student!! Whatever he runs for, I'll vote for him!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressives, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.

2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell . You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street .

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.

9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.

18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".

20. We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn , Martin Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country..

 

[ThrottleJockey]

Subject: Divorce of the blue and red states

In God We Trust

Since we are not going to get gasoline back to $1.50 per gallon and coffee to $2.00 per pound maybe this would be a solution we could live with.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT -- This is so incredibly well-put, and I can hardly believe it's by a young person, a student!! Whatever he runs for, I'll vote for him!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressives, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.

2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell . You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street .

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.

9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.

18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".

20. We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn , Martin Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country..

LMAO, we tried this once but stinkin lincoln wouldn't let us!