INGO: Joke of the day page

[SavageEagle]

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
​

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.​

Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.​

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.​

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again.​

At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, ​

try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and​

chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.​

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just​

pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.​

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.​

Whatever you can find.​

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and​

try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.​

Finally, throw the bowl through the window,​

finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to​

put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !​

 

[Eddie]

thoughts

Ten Thoughts to Ponder


Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowestpossible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:Hungry and Horny.If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,teach a person to use the internetand they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dyingof nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.It pays no attention toCriticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $20,000 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's,people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and peopletake Prozac to make it normal.
And TheNumber 1 Thought…. We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in North America but wehaven'tgot a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

 

[SavageEagle]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over..

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.

 

[lawrra]

that was a good one

 

[Turn Key]

Random Thoughts


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.


TK

 

[Bruenor]

What do you call a small, secondary handgun placed inside a military surplus backpack, and then placed in the trunk of a Volkswagen?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A BUG in a BOB in a Bug.

 

[buzzard pickins]

What do you call a small, secondary handgun placed inside a military surplus backpack, and then placed in the trunk of a Volkswagen?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A BUG in a BOB in a Bug.

this sounds like a beginning idea of a new christmas drinking game.
BOB THE BUG GAME. oK i'LL CHUG FIRST.

 

[Turn Key]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth wrotes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replied, Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's only a local call.


TK

 

[Caleb]

What do you call a dog with no hind legs?




Scooter




What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?




Sparky

 

[jsharmon7]

What do you call a dog with no hind legs?




Scooter




What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?




Sparky

What do you call a dog with no legs at all??




Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you.

 

[buzzard pickins]

Know what Tiger Woods and baby seals have in commom?


BOTH get clubbed by norwegians.

 

[ATM]

Shipwrecked

[FONT=&quot]A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]better to the lonely man. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again...[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]He said, 'Take the dog for a walk?'[/FONT]

 

[Turn Key]

Little Johnny, again...

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish all these hussies would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[Big John]

What's the difference between dead hookers and onions???

I cry when I cut up onions...

 

[Big John]

A woman drove up to a stop sign at an intersection, and slowly drove through it. She soon saw red lights in her rear-view mirror and pulled over. The policeman walked up to the window and asked "why didn't you stop for the stop sign?" The woman replied "stopped, slowed down, what difference does it make?" The policeman then pulled the woman from the car, and proceeded to beat her with his billy club. About midway through he paused and asked her - "now, do you want me stop, or just slow down?"

 

[Big John]

Ten times when using the "f "word was probably acceptable:

10. "What the f was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those f Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any f idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f showers....My ***!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f mad." Osama bin Laden, November 2001

 

[Turn Key]

Are You a Pilot?

An old airline pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas...flew B-29's in WWII and later in the Korean conflict, worked as a flight instructor, gave rides to hundreds & retired flying for an airline.

Yeah, I'd say I am a pilot.'

He asks, "What about you, Missy"?

She said, 'Well, I'm a lesbian and I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence...

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'



Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

 

[BloodEclipse]

An old airline pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas...flew B-29's in WWII and later in the Korean conflict, worked as a flight instructor, gave rides to hundreds & retired flying for an airline.

Yeah, I'd say I am a pilot.'

He asks, "What about you, Missy"?

She said, 'Well, I'm a lesbian and I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence...

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'



Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

 

[Big John]

What's the difference between meat and fish?




If you beat your fish, it dies.

 

[Big John]

A chicken farmer, Joe, went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that?

I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence,' Joe says, 'This is a special day
for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says
the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says Joe. As they clinked glasses the
farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says Joe. 'I'm a chicken farmer,
and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens
become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' Joe replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence...'