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INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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Grandmaster
What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Tulips on your organ.
What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a chickpea?
I've never paid $500 to have a garbonzo bean on my face.
----
A man walks into a doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor?
"Well, I have five dicks." says the man.
"What the hell?" says the doctor, "I've never seen that before! How do your pants fit?"
The man responds, "Like a glove."
I've never paid $500 to have a garbonzo bean on my face.
----
A man walks into a doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor?
"Well, I have five dicks." says the man.
"What the hell?" says the doctor, "I've never seen that before! How do your pants fit?"
The man responds, "Like a glove."
When you work in a hospital, you get to see the circle of life.
There's a room where a father is holding his son for the first time.
There's a room where a son is holding his father for the last time.
Then there's that room where there's a guy with the remote to the TV stuck up his anus...
There's a room where a father is holding his son for the first time.
There's a room where a son is holding his father for the last time.
Then there's that room where there's a guy with the remote to the TV stuck up his anus...
A man walks into his bedroom, and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
"Were you going?" he asks.
"New York" she says, "I heard that there are women there that get paid $400 to do what I do for you for free."
The man reached under the bed, and grabbed his go-bag.
"Hell, I'm coming too. This I gotta see."
"Why is that?" she asked.
"Because I don't think you can live in New York on $800 a year."
"Were you going?" he asks.
"New York" she says, "I heard that there are women there that get paid $400 to do what I do for you for free."
The man reached under the bed, and grabbed his go-bag.
"Hell, I'm coming too. This I gotta see."
"Why is that?" she asked.
"Because I don't think you can live in New York on $800 a year."
Mmmmmm.
I'm seeing those jokes on FB also.
I'm seeing those jokes on FB also.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
How to Simulate Being a Sailor
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back door so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request **** to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle
stations.)
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats) 25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back door so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request **** to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle
stations.)
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats) 25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
My neighbors were just walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied.. "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! Wow… what a worthy goal!" I said . . .
But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
Copied... Please copy and share if you get it
But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
Copied... Please copy and share if you get it
"Lemon Pickers Needed" - ad in the newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to
apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but
seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a
master's degree from Michigan State University.
For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a
school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you
are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
"However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said...
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for
Obama, and once for Hillary."
She started yesterday.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to
apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but
seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a
master's degree from Michigan State University.
For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a
school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you
are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
"However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said...
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for
Obama, and once for Hillary."
She started yesterday.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
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