is it a good or bad idea to let a 14 year old visit her mom in jail?

[5000]

thought I would ask about this in the off topic section here since I feel many here might actually have experience in the law enforcement or know a lot about it.


My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is in jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my daughter we should be glad her mother is serving time for her actions. Doing the right thing for her mistakes. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything. Some might say sticking by her is being enabling but I just cannot agree I was thinking of allowing my daughter to visit her. But I am not sure if I should because I don't think my daughter to be exposed to a prison environment. It is nothing to do with the mother is solely the environment. Also I hear it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Seeing her mom there might be a bad image. Her mom will be dressed in a jail uniform and is of course rightfully being treated like any other inmate but that might send a "normalizing" message to my daughter . My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she also said it is kind of funny that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about it If I do allow her what should I tell her in advance to prepare her? Is it a good idea for her to ask her mother questions about all this? also, I am willing to still let her be involved with her daughter and other things going on by telling her everything when she calls and asking about them. Is this alright? I managed to talk to one of the main guards that works at that jail. She said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), ask your wife to be honest about what happened, and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. What do you think about this?

 

[Denny347]

What is more harmful, going 6 months without seeing her mother or visiting her in jail? If she has been a good mother up to this point, the answer will present itself. If it were my family I'd be there every week.

 

[Kutnupe14]

Yeah, why not. It's her mother, she knows she's in jail, why not visit her?

 

[HoughMade]

I would take her to visit.

Human beings makes mistakes and there is no insulating kids from this. At least there should not be.

This is obvious, but people who are incarcerated are real people with real emotional needs. Your wife needs to see your daughter. Your daughter needs to see your wife. You should not act like this never happened, nor should you dwell on it for the rest of your lives. It is, however, a dominating factor in your life now and there is no way to ignore it.

Hopefully your wife learns her lesson and comes out committed to making better choices. I have two friends who have spent significant time incarcerated for money-related crimes (years, not months). Both have come out better people and in both cases it has been en excess of 20 years and they are doing well, not that's I'm suggesting this is normal or common, but it was for these two.

I have been present at a federal prison and have seen the inmates visit with their wives and children. It's heart-breaking and touching at the same time. I, personally, would not withhold contact with a parent unless the parent were bitter, unrepentant and blaming everyone else. If there is humility and repentance, it would certainly make sure there was contact, both in person and by correspondence.

...but ultimately, you know the situation.

 

[5000]

What is more harmful, going 6 months without seeing her mother or visiting her in jail? If she has been a good mother up to this point, the answer will present itself. If it were my family I'd be there every week.

would you say there is a benefit in visiting over phone calls?

 

[HoughMade]

Phone calls, in person and letters/e-mail (feds have e-mail, maybe others). As much contact as reasonably possible.

 

[JollyMon]

It can also show the kid what can happen if you make a poor decision. Might help keep them in line during those trying teenage years.

 

[5000]

It can also show the kid what can happen if you make a poor decision. Might help keep them in line during those trying teenage years.

what do you mean exactly?

 

[mom45]

I agree that seeing her mom in jail would demonstrate that there are consequences for making bad choices. I think keeping them in contact would be better for their relationship than keeping them apart for the 6 months she is incarcerated. I would be afraid that the separation could erode the relationship rather than keep it close if it was close before her mom was sentenced.

 

[actaeon277]

I agree with everyone saying let the kid visit the mom.
If you were in jail, wouldn't you want your child to see you?

Kids need to see that their parents are human.
Life is not a 1960s TV show.

 

[OutdoorDad]

First, I would suggest counciling for the child.

Secondly, I would place a great deal of importance on what the councilor suggests.

You've got a tough problem there. And I'm totally unqualified to advise you.

 

[eric001]

OP, I'd say not only let your daughter visit her mom in jail, but encourage it. Heaven knows her mom ought to have family support in her present circumstances, and visitations might help her get through this much easier.

The other side of the coin is this: one of the most important things any parent can teach their child is taking responsibility for their choices and actions. It sounds like her mom is living this example. If your daughter learns this by her mom's actions and the obvious consequences, it could make the rest of her life a lot less painful if she doesn't have to learn the hard way. From what you say, it sounds like her mom has been a pretty good parent so far--I'd suggest this might be a way she can continue to be a good influence on your daughter's life.

 

[Kirk Freeman]

I work in the field. You are in the best position to judge, I do not mean to impose upon your role as her father.

However, if it were me, I would take her as much as possible. Being in jail is isolating enough. People in jail/prison literally live to see their family.

Visitation will help your daughter and your wife. I have seen it over and over.

First, I would suggest counciling for the child.

I agree. Counseling should be strongly considered.

Girls don't show the anger like teenage boys. Nothing wrong with reaching out.

 

[Bfish]

It's hard for us to speak to that since we don't know your daughter but as some guys said seeking a professional may be wise. However, I would say most 14 year olds would be ok in such a situation, if she wants to go I wouldn't keep her from it. I mean I see where you want reassurance from somebody but it's ultimately your call. I see no issue though. Could be a really good thing!

 

[BobDaniels]

Perhaps trips to the jail will help to further instill right from wrong with your daughter. Sort of "this is what happens when you end up on the wrong side of the law" sort of thing.

I've seen folks in miserable places and it helped me not end up in those same places.

 

[1911ly]

If the mother daughter relationship is strong and if your daughter wants to see her, then sure. As mentioned up thread, I would imagine inmates live visitation to visitation. Without much of a life in between. I know I'd miss my kids/family if I were in that position.

 

[Bennettjh]

Never been in your shoes so I'm clueless. If your daughter wants to see her then I don't see a problem. Again I have no idea what your situation is.

 

[scoutsniper]

First, I would suggest counciling for the child.

Secondly, I would place a great deal of importance on what the councilor suggests.

You've got a tough problem there. And I'm totally unqualified to advise you.

counciling? Really for a 6 month stint on a non violent crime? How about put her on meds to? My god can know one teach their kid right and wrong, instead make them feel like they did something wrong by going to counciling and force them to talk about the situation. Which most the time turns into them hating the topic or using it as a excuse for meds or to act out.

 

[CPT Nervous]

Paragraphs. Use them.


That is all.

 

[Dirtebiker]

what do you mean exactly?

Are you the adult or the child?