No longer married!

[littletommy]

I'm not sure why some people think divorce is too easy.

Because they've never been hit in the face with it. A very close friend of mine became someone I would have nothing to do with because of his attitude towards me when I was getting divorced. "You should just talk to her" or "I'm sure you could do something to change her mind" came out of his mouth a lot. I'm guessing his opinion has probably changed now, though, because his wife of 14 years ran off with another dude about 3 years ago. Absolutely raked him over the coals concerning their house and kids. I could have probably given him some good advice, but I haven't spoken to or seen him in 8+ years due to how he acted when it was me on hotseat.

 

[CitiusFortius]

God help me and my mother if my parents had stayed together. Good or bad is irrelevant. Sometimes divorce is necessary.

Nobody's disagreeing with you....the confusion is celebrating it. I had to get a filling at the dentist 2 months ago. God help me if I didn't get it looked at, the filling was necessary - but I am not starting threads about how happy I am to have gotten a filling. Perhaps if I had flossed more I could have avoided the whole situation.

Divorce can be necessary, the uneasiness comes when it "seems" to be celebrated. In my opinion...

 

[Snapdragon]

I don't get that the OP is celebrating. That idea was introduced by subsequent posts.

 

[flatlander]

Good God. To quote the Joker- "Why so serious?"
My first wife married one of my former squad leaders. I was the PSG. He and I stayed friends. A couple years later he told me they were divorcing and said- "It wasn't you, she is nuts". We both had a good laugh.

#2 and I divorced because I loved being out of the country more than staying home. After 8 years we divorced while I was in Iraq again. After I came back I committed to the relationship and after a couple of years we are back in the same house.

My point is, if the O.P. is happy about it.......GOOD FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why bring your garbage/ baggage into the thread? Let him have some fun for ****s sake! Sometimes divorce IS the right answer.

Bob

 

[CindyE]

The point some of us would make is that if divorce were socially and legally more difficult (i.e., not having the 'no-fault' divorce, for example) we would see more due diligence put into the process of selecting someone to marry. I generally observe more decisions made thinking with one's hormones than with one's brain cells. I am satisfied that this is largely the product of extracting one's self being far easier than it was in generations past in which that decision was permanent. All generalizations break down, but the fewer negative consequences are available, the more people will make reckless decisions.

I'm not sure of that. Young people usually think they are wise beyond their years, they are in love, and think they always will be. I got married the first time at 19. I wouldn't listen to anyone. My family being Catholic, my parents were pretty into the whole traditional wedding thing. We had to go thru classes with the priest. Same with my sister. Neither marriage lasted past 5 yrs. My ex and I were both young and hot-headed, we had a lot to learn, but I would have hung in there if not for his cheating and staying out all night, plus we did get physical with each other a few times. I grew up watching and listening to my parents fight and I hated it. One night, the ex and I got into it. We were in the middle of an important home project, and he was going to go out drinking yet again, but expected me to continue to work. When I complained, he called me names, I flung a salt shaker at him and left the room. He was furious, and things got ugly. Our daughter was a toddler, and she started screaming and crying, and I felt horrible. I didn't want her to grow up seeing that.

 

[D-Ric902]

"Ya know why divorce is so expensive?.....cause it's worth it"

remember, living well is the best revenge.

 

[drillsgt]

She'll probably realize soon enought the grass wasn't really greener.

 

[Leadeye]

So many divorces, so many law firms.

I've been fortunate to spend my money on other things.

I've seen so many friends and relatives go through that meat grinder that I'm more grateful to be happily married that just about anything else.

 

[Dirtebiker]

Why? Why does this situation have to suck? It all depends on how it is handled. Moving on to a different situation does not have to be a bad experience.

It's already "a bad experience"! Hence the divorce!

 

[Roland of Gilead]

To Daddymike,
It sounds like you went through this with integrity and plan to continue down the righteous path of being a good father and man.

Most people can not say they have done the same and many more people would say they would handle a bad situation with class, just to end up being a huge ahole.

I came on here and vented when I found out my fiancee was cheating on me. Received much love and some sound advice. Seven months later I'm in a much better place.Good luck to you and enjoy.

 

[gungirl65]

Good luck OP. Sometimes divorce really is the best alternative. I feel for you. My divorce was final one day last week. Here's a link to my sordid story.

https://www.indianagunowners.com/forums/break-room/353979-life-starts-now-my-divorce-story.html

When my marriage was first falling apart my son overheard us fighting. I admitted to him that we were headed for divorce. My son said he was ok with that because he had a teacher that had told them that if mamma wasn't happy no one was going to be happy. He told me he wanted me to be happy. I have found that as long as I am honest with him without being critical of his dad he can handle pretty much anything. I'm sure you will find the same to be true with your kids.

 

[RedneckReject]

Sometimes divorce is the best option for everyone involved. While I do feel bad for you, I also am happy that you are able to move on with your life. Like so many other have said though, move slowly. Best wishes for all involved.

 

[wtburnette]

I agree that sometimes divorce is the best solution. After a decade of marriage, my wife and I realized our marriage wasn't working. We struggled on for 2 more years, but we grew further apart and had more frequent fights (all verbal, never physical). She moved out three years ago and I finally filed for divorce a couple months back (long story). The divorce should be final next month. I definitely wish we could have stayed together and we talked about it, but could never work things out. We were making life miserable for my stepson, who was 15 when we split up. While I hate it, I feel our separating and subsequent divorce was the best thing. I still love her and we can talk when needed and aren't hateful to each other. Sometimes you just have to do the hard thing because it's the right thing to do, even if you wish it wasn't necessary. We honestly tried, we just couldn't work things out. I've learned to just accept it and move on. Good luck to the OP and anyone else in the same situation.

 

[daddymikey1975]

I understand the dissenting points of view even though I don't agree with them. Divorce isn't an easy decision to make. I had been contemplating it for at least the last 4 years.

I didn't want to leave my kids. I didn't want to leave her. I really wanted to fall back in love with her but couldn't. She wouldn't participate in counseling. She wouldn't stop lying and she wouldn't stop the emotional affairs.

We got married too soon. (initial problem). We never took things slow enough to really get to know each other. She got pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing so I married her. I guess it was doomed from the beginning.

I took my responsibility as husband and provider too seriously and worked very hard and long hours. Basically I created an environment that led to us not talking much and we were both starved for attention and affection.

I understand why she strayed. It wasn't my fault completely, but I could have treated her better. She could have made better decisions as well. We had a pretty big argument last June and that was the end. We agreed that we couldn't stay married because we both were unhappy, but iI wasn't going to file unless it's what she really wanted.

We drew up an agreement as soon as she said she wanted the divorce. I packed her stuff and rented two u haul trucks. Let her keep everything in the house except my TV and my guns. Put all her stuff in storage. She moved in with the kids to her parents and I put an offer on a new (to me) house while I stayed in an efficiency apartment.

Immediately I was spending lots of time with my kids. Almost every other day. I purposely made it a hectic schedule (for her) and she suggested we draw up a schedule on paper so it'seasy too follow.

Once we had a paper schedule I filed for divorce. The judge ordered temp. Support and spousal maintenance. It was expensive! For visitation he ordered mediation. We presented our schedule (which had been working for a couple months by then) and incorporated it into the temporary order.

My 11yr old was beat up on Christmas eve by his older brother so I called the cops and took him. He's been with me full time since. She has had him overnight less than a cumulative week since Christmas eve. She doesn't call him or show any interest in spending time with him.

When it came down to the wire, we sat down with our lawyers to try and reach an agreement. She had been holding her hand our for "half of this and half of that. Pay half half half" I gave her lawyer a list of stuff from the house that she kept and stuff that I kept. She got over $30k worth of stuff and a van that was paid for. I had $4500 worth and a $20k loan on a van. We both had separate credit card bills.

I told her lawyer that if he didn't accept my offer or deal, then let's put it ALL in the "half pot" and let the judge sort it out.

Needless to say the deal stands. The visitation still stands. Support is set based on our visitation schedule. I'm pleased that it ended up how I wanted it to from the beginning.

I kept the kids separate from the drama and fighting. I kept telling my 11yr old that it's a transition and soon things will get better (and he can see that they are). They're all very well adjusted and love their time with me. I don't talk bad about the ex at all to any of them. Cameron sees who his mother is as a person and he accepts it. I have him in therapy to help.

All I can say is I love the time with my kids. I work 50 hrs a week at a great job that's a half hour from home. It's a lot to juggle but the rewards are great.

The kids and I aren't subjected to the stress and fighting any more. It's relaxed and fun.

One day at a time and I love it

 

[nb1980]

Five years ago I went through the same thing. My ex and I get along much better now and can even be sociable for the kids. (More so than when we were married) Hopefully things continue to get better and enjoy the time with your kids.

 

[WestSider]

It amazes me that people are so willing to support the lie that divorce is a good thing.

Op, sorry to hear your story. Hopefully things will get better for you!

 

[DeadeyeChrista'sdad]

OP I admire how you've kept the kids a priority.

The biggest blow to my heart was how my ex poisoned my kids against me. That's history now, and I really try not to speak ill of her.

Trying to keep communication open regarding the kids DOES prevent the both ends against the middle thing.

Living well is SO the best revenge.

Funny thing at a post family reunion soirée in Muncie weekend before last. A favorite aunt was in town clear from Texas, so the kids called their mother to come see her. I nodded cordially. To her endless credit, wife v.2.0 saw me sitting at a picnic table talking to the host, my uncle, and simply came out and sat next to me. She thinks I don't notice things like that.

 

[Snapdragon]

It amazes me that some people think that something is a lie just because they say so. Everyone has their own truth.

 

[pinshooter45]

Sorry your 12 year marriage did not work out, in today's world that happens. I've been happily married for 35 years to my teenage sweetheart. So it is possible to have a long and happy marriage. I did not read through all the messages just wanted to give you my thoughts. If you plan to remarry take just take your time and find yourself a good woman to be your lifelong companion. Many times people jump back in too soon and it ends in another divorce. I know I have a couple of relatives that have been married 5 times! Good luck to you and concentrate on you children's needs and the right woman will come along eventually. Just be sure to not pick a GIRL, find a Woman!

 

[IndyDave1776]

It amazes me that some people think that something is a lie just because they say so. Everyone has their own truth.

The problem is that you are dealing with two different subtypes of truth. You can have a universal truth or a conditional truth. I would consider it a universal truth that the best family structure is to identify a suitable person to marry who is of good character and compatible goals in life who is willing to make a permanent commitment without bailing when you hit the first bump in the road, while being that type of person yourself. I will agree that it is better not to put your children through a living hell out of obstinacy, or to overlook abusive behavior in the name of avoiding divorce, but this falls into the realm of conditional truth which stems for a breakdown in following the preceding universal truth.

I see a long list of problems (in general, not with anyone specifically mentioned here) that contributes to this situation:

1. We, as a society, do not value commitment. This is reflected in our society and our laws.
2. As a direct result, we do not put adequate diligence into decisions regarding a situation we see as disposable rather than a life-long commitment.
3. We have neither societal nor family pressures to keep people honest when they misbehave. Case in point, if some man thinks one of these days he is going to abuse any of my nieces, he will find himself wishing that God will be merciful and let him die. Unfortunately, there aren't a whole lot of people who see it this way any more.
4. We generally don't consider the consequences of failing in the above until we find ourselves in a living hell, usually with children along for the horrible ride as a captive audience.
5. As a result, our children have an even weaker grasp on the preferred starting point given that by now few of them even have friends raised in traditional families.
6. Given that the family has always been teh fundamental foundation of our society, and it is now on life support, is there any wonder that our society is in the condition it is in?

I do not mean to criticize those who have done the best they could with a bad situation, particularly in extracting themselves, but I do see a much deeper threat on a large scale which, like most societal breakdown, is like the proverbial snowball rolling downhill.