Over the years, as a police officer and bouncer, I have suffered the unpleasant reactions of many when I told them "NO". They have ranged from awkward smiles and compliance, to people going to jail and parking lot fights. Let's take a look at why that small two letter word enrages people.
Just think about how many times you hear 'NO" from birth through childhood. People of authority, first your parents, other family, and then teachers tell you "NO" thousands of times. Except for the teachers, only those people can follow up their command with physical force ranging from dragging you away from a display to a spanking. As a kid, when you hear "NO" it is usually denying you food or continuing a certain behavior. Depending on whether or not it was done with love can make a huge difference in the way that a person will react to that word as an adult. More and more these day you have the total opposite.
You also have people both rich and poor who are not used to being told "NO" or that there are no consequences to not complying. Once an adult, except for the police, there are few people that can legally back up being told "NO" with physical force. So for most people, myself included, "NO" basically means that I need to find another way to accomplish my goal. When someone tells me "NO", I don't get angry, I typically look for a way to "go around" them to get my needs met. We all do this. It is basically a survival instinct. Here is the problem. I am a peaceful, relatively sensible person. Not high on drugs or alcohol, pretty much free of mental illness. This means that in any situation I am able to quickly evaluate my options and choose those that will not draw unwanted attention to myself, or in anyway harm other people, including the person that told me "NO". Both my professional and personal life are stable. Unfortunately, the reasons I have described above that minimize the chance of me even raising my voice to someone who tells me "NO" are often absent from many in our society. People seem to be stressed out more than ever, and depending on what you are denying them by telling them "NO", no matter how insignificant it may be to you, may to them be life and death. You never know where on a persons path you are meeting them or what is going on in their life. Try to treat everyone with kindness and respect, but be prepared for anything.
The bottom line is that from bouncer to bartender, and from receptionist to flight attendant, if you work with the public you are going to have to tell people "NO". They are not going to like it. In some cases, now more than ever, they can escalate to physical violence. How do you minimize and mitigate that reality? First of all, you need to become a student of human behavior.
First of all, try to get a "hook" with everyone you encounter. A hook. as I was taught in my time as a Crisis Negotiator, is something you can use to relate to a person in crisis that has nothing to do with the matter at hand. Notice I said everyone, and not just while you are working. We all do this to an extent, but you need to cultivate it. This is the first step in learning to create a fast mental profile of everyone you meet. Soon it will become second nature. Here are some of my favorite hooks.
Learn symbolism- do you know what a Masonic symbol looks like? How about the Alcoholics Anonymous symbols? You will see these on people and vehicles. If you see a symbol you are not familiar with, research it, or better yet ask the person. In most cases, they will be happy to tell you all about it. Now not only have you identified a hook, but you have used it to engage in dialogue.
Clothing- some people just throw clothes on, but most people are trying to tell you something. Take notice of what it says on their hoodie or hat. Is it a sports team? A Veterans organization? As a Veteran, I never pass up a chance to thank someone for their service after identifying them from what they wear or what they say.
Language- Just about every profession has a language all to itself. If you are at a convenience store getting coffee and two people come in together and you overhear them using phrases that you are not familiar with, ask them what they do. Believe me, they will tell you.
Brands- even though I am a man, I am relativity familiar with brands of women's clothes. I developed this while working as a doorman at a pub at a high end golf course. The same is true for vehicles. Ask any guy about his car, truck, or motorcycle and you will not be able to shut him up. For some odd reason, I also know a fair amount about men's boots.
Locations- where you encounter people says a lot about them. If you are at a ball game and they are all decked out in the home team's jersey and hat, there is a good chance they are more than a casual fan. Sports fans love to talk about their teams.
After a while of practicing and noticing these and other hooks, both personally and professionally, you will soon be putting them to use in your daily life. It is no different than when I compliment on how good my wife's hair looks before I tell the garage bill on my motorcycle ended up being more than expected. It might not totally protect me, but it will soften the blow...I hope.
To make hooks valuable, especially in a customer service application, you need to identify them and use them upon first contact. It will hopefully lead to a little small talk before business, allowing you to build a rapport with the person. Getting them to talk for a minute about the hook you have identified can be like giving them a verbal Xanax. Now, if you need to deny them something, they will be less likely to escalate, at least on you, because in their mind you "know each other".
Part II - Deescalating angry people.
