Separating

[1775usmarine]

I would like to add that Its good to see so much support and advice on INGO. Hope things get better for you in the long run.

 

[mom45]

There are reasons.

They would have to be VERY good ones for me to sit around waiting for a year for the person who professed to love me forever no matter what to figure out what they really want. Not that I would be rushing into a new relationship, but I am not a person who can be in limbo for that long not knowing what is going to happen and allowing someone else to control the direction my life is going to take. I would be taking time to get some counseling and determine what is best for me but would be protecting myself legally while that process occurs. None of us know what the situation really is so there may be a valid reason for waiting this out. However, as has been repeatedly stated, OP needs to protect his interests in his property in the meantime.

 

[tmfinney]

First, let me say that I'm sorry to hear of you going through this. Sadly, this isn't the first thread of this type that I have seen on INGO. Second, the one thing that I always tell the OP in these threads is this: if you have guns in the house, see if a relative or friend will allow you to store them at their house. As 1911ly said regardless of how amicable things are now, if this does move into the worst case scenario, at some point you two will have an argument and the really vindictive ones will call the police saying that you are threatening her with a gun and then you will be involved in a whole new set of legal issues.

 

[Cameramonkey]

I'll second the no separation without counseling. The problem isnt going to get better just by separating. It may appear to, but as soon as the separation ends, you'll be back to square 1 and the problems begin again.

My advice echoes the others. Get a lawyer, square it away with a legal separation, and get counseling. If she wont attend counseling file for divorce because she isnt really interested in making it work long term... she is just too afraid to pull the trigger herself on the big D and is making you do it for her own sanity or to save face: "My ex husband left me." instead of "I left my ex husband". The former garners more sympathy/support.

Good luck.

ETA: Oh, and to address your original, specific question: It depends. Its all up to the bank whether they will take you off the lease. If they will go for it and her credit is good enough, they can (notice I didnt say will) refinance it under just her name.

 

[88GT]

They would have to be VERY good ones for me to sit around waiting for a year for the person who professed to love me forever no matter what to figure out what they really want. Not that I would be rushing into a new relationship, but I am not a person who can be in limbo for that long not knowing what is going to happen and allowing someone else to control the direction my life is going to take. I would be taking time to get some counseling and determine what is best for me but would be protecting myself legally while that process occurs. None of us know what the situation really is so there may be a valid reason for waiting this out. However, as has been repeatedly stated, OP needs to protect his interests in his property in the meantime.

"Me" Exactly.

 

[churchmouse]

"Me" Exactly.

Never waist any time waiting for something like this. Life is far to valuable. Every minute is precious. Time lost is a waste and you will "NEVER" get it back.

 

[cosermann]

OP, sorry about what you're going through. FWIW, I know folks who have separated and are back together. Depends on the circumstances.

 

[88GT]

Never waist any time waiting for something like this. Life is far to valuable. Every minute is precious. Time lost is a waste and you will "NEVER" get it back.

I disagree.

 

[AA&E]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. IMHO, If she's not willing to stick around and work on it I would simply file for a divorce.

My thoughts too, things that aren't being actively worked on never fix themselves. Seperation is a stalling tactic.

 

[DeadeyeChrista'sdad]

The advice about getting the guns out of the house is spot on. That's the experience of myself and my local police chief talking. See a lawyer yesterday. ASAP. Muy rapido.

 

[femurphy77]

I stayed in a long dead relationship for far too long because "it was the right thing to do". Plenty of advice has been given so I won't bore you with any more but I finally decided that "for me" the right thing to do was not let another person drag me down to their level of misery any longer. I've never been happier with the decision and I hope she is happy too!

The whole one year thing is suspect, I'm guessing once she is settled into her new life the seperation will come to an abrupt halt with a letter from her lawyer. Prepare yourself for the worst and if no kids are involved, it's o.k. to just think about yourself, it's NOT being selfish. Your sanity is a very important thing, to me personally it was worth a LOT of cash and I don't regret a bit of it.

 

[spec4]

Another thought; is she getting an apartment on her own? Possibly she is hooked up with a guy who is leaving his spouse and they are getting an apartment together. If so, that would end any speculation as to the steps you need to take.

 

[aescsar]

Without knowing the specifics of the OP's situation, I can say that once a relationship is over, it's usually over. I fought long and hard to keep and maintain my relationship, but in the end when he decided he was done there really wasn't anything I could do. Protecting oneself is the next step. He ended up costing me plenty in shared expenses including medical bills after he had a car accident. Apparently in Indiana under some circumstances, a spouse can be liable for another spouse's medical bills even though we were in the process of divorce.

 

[churchmouse]

I disagree.

I respect that.
My position on these things is from my views on life and he experiences that came with them. Everyone walks a different path so we all see things through our own eyes and make judgments based on those experiences.
As to the OP......He has to see his path clearly. The heart will sometimes cloud that process. It has for me.

 

[Harleyrider_50]

I truly do hate to hear anyone going through this as it puts a dark cloud over your life. That cloud can linger slowing down any hope you may have of being happy.
(1)...let her go.
(2) get a lawyer right away and follow his advice to the "LETTER"
(3) not following said advice can and will cost you in the long run.
(4) Not a darned thing wrong with seeking counseling. Do it for yourself.

Put this behind you as rapidly as you can. I have lost property, a business and the love of my children in my life. There is still a huge hole after all these years. I pray you get through this with as little hurt as possible.

......I've said b'fore.......it cost's a helluva lot more'n $$.....it'a change ya......

Divorce is a horrible, nasty thing. I have gone through it once and the others are spot on with the above advice. I'm looking at this from the female perspective, and would have to agree with the others about filing now. What is the point of waiting a year or more and having your life in a holding pattern? Has she proposed going to counseling? If not, I would also recommend going, with or without her. If she will go with you and be honest in the sessions, you may gain some insight as to what her reasons are for the separation and whether or not here is another party involved in her life already. If she is not willing to go, then what is the point of the separation? If she isn't willing to attend counseling, what makes you think she will return to the relationship after signing a lease on an apartment and establishing a separate life on her own?

You need to protect yourself...financially and emotionally. Long-term separation is likely to end up in a divorce anyway so why drag it out?

If you want to keep the house and can afford to buy out her equity, then do so. If not, as the others have said...put it on the market and sell it and move on. When I divorced, our house was sold and the profits split.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but as the others have said. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.

In addition to the journal, I would save receipts on house repairs and anything that you pay for on her behalf or that would result in her getting a bigger settlement in the event his ends in divorce. Call a lawyer.

......YUP......all'a that.....

It is possible to live separate and still want to be married. Sometimes a situation becomes unbearable, and the person you love just drains you emotionally and physically, especially if they are in denial about their problems or just aren't working on them. Not saying that person is you or her, just speaking from experience. Protect yourself financially, but if you want this marriage, it may not be over. I would go with individual counseling for both over couples counseling.

?.......Then.......ya really ain't got'a marriage, then.......DO ya ?......

At'sa kind'a sit'chiation I call.......jus' friends.....or 'sociations, or.....SUMthin'.......ain' a marriage , in my world.....

 

[Harleyrider_50]

Without knowing the specifics of the OP's situation, I can say that once a relationship is over, it's usually over. I fought long and hard to keep and maintain my relationship, but in the end when he decided he was done there really wasn't anything I could do. Protecting oneself is the next step. He ended up costing me plenty in shared expenses including medical bills after he had a car accident. Apparently in Indiana under some circumstances, a spouse can be liable for another spouse's medical bills even though we were in the process of divorce.

Done the same, only on opp'site side the stick.....SHE......my 2nd .......I did'n git out fast enuff, an' it cost a azzload, in more ways than $$......

 

[Trooper]

Mandate that both of you seek counseling. Even if you split, better to do it with least emotion possible.

Getting a divorce in Tippecanoe is one of the best areas for keeping emotions out of the settlement. The courts there have strict rules.

 

[Harleyrider_50]

I disagree.

.......I got'a go with CM.........

 

[ultra...good]

Funny, out of 37 or so posts in this thread, only one person answered the question being asked.

 

[BehindBlueI's]

Its possible as long as one spouse can qualify on their own and the financial institution agrees. Essentially, you are applying for the loan/lease all over again based on your new financial situation, (only your own salary, own expenses, own FICO score, etc.)

Also, ignore every piece of advise about what you should do about your marriage in this thread. No one here knows your situation, every piece of advise about trying to fix it or flee now is based on the poster's experiences and particular situations, not yours. You know your situation, we don't. Look at it honestly, think about what you really want, and do what you think you should.