I Lost a Knife Fight to Myself: a Tale of Epic Dumba**ery

[Barry in IN]

Latex allergy?

He never complained before...

 

[mom45]

He never complained before...

It can develop over time. Maybe it is from repeated exposure to bandages!

 

[rhino]

Latex allergy?

Never had a problem with latex before, but that's a reasonable guess. I've also had at least three different kinds of tape on the same area over the last two weeks.

Maybe something else was on my skin when I applied the steri-strips.

 

[IndyDave1776]

I am clearly retarded.

Is that better or worse than being opaquely retarded?

(Yes, I know this thread is older than dirt, but I didn't think of this until seeing the above quote in someone's sig line.)

 

[Mark 1911]

Before I tell the story, here is a disclaimer:

If you're offended by stupidity that borders on mental retardation, please stop reading.

****************************************************************************

So, there I was.

I had just finished sharpening a 5.11 Tarani C.U.B Master (a folding karambit) and decided it would be a good idea to practice extending and retracting the knife. It was just after 23:00 and I was tired.

Yes, I was using a live, very sharp blade instead of an inert trainer. I didn't even cover the edge and point with tape.

Yes, I've been warned both by people who understand using karambits as well as people who just have a normal understanding of not being a dumba**.

Yes, this is the same way I nicked the back of my hand just last week (and should have learned the lesson).

I was extending and retracting without incident when the phone rang -- it was the boss of me. I answered with my bluetooth headset and for some reason, continued to flip the knife back and forth. Everything was going fine until the motion of the knife was interrupted by hitting something. I didn't feel any pain, but when I felt a sudden wetness on my lower leg going down to my ankle, I had a pretty good idea what had happened. I'm not sure if I caught my leg before or after I dropped the knife, but at some point (no pun intended) it happened. I looked down, saw the rapidly growing mess, and very calmly told the Boss "I have to go" as started to apply pressure.

I applied pressure for a while and the bleeding was profuse. I took a chance to take a peek and realized that based on the look of the cut, its location, and the amount of bleeding that steristrips or glue weren't going to suffice. The closest Israeli Battle Dressing (IBD) was in the pocket of the pants I'd worn earlier, so I took a strip of gorilla tape and taped the was of bloody paper towels to my calf so I could fetch it. I also wiped-up most of the blood on the floor at that time, then retrieved the IBD.

I realized I had to go to the bathroom, so I did that, then returned to the kitchen and applied the IBD to my calf, just below the knee. I made it tight enough that the leaking stopped and it achieved hemostasis without additional input from me. Then I got dressed well enough to go to the ER and drove myself to the hospital. I entered the ER, went through the admitting process, and was led to one of the little rooms in the ER.

A very nice nurse came to take my vitals, then she removed my IBD to examine the wound. It was a gash about 3 inches long, and maybe half an inch deep that was just oozing slowly at that points. She did some cleaning around the wound, placed some 4X4s over it, and left me to wait for the doctor. The doc was in and out a couple of times because other patients arrived and after a while it started bleeding again. The nurse returned and put an ice pack on it.

The doctor returned, injected a little lidocaine, and commenced to irrigating. The he did the suturing, after which there were 9 stitches visible and the bleeding was stopped. After some discussion, I was discharged and drove myself home.

Naturally, while awaiting treatment, I took the opportunity to text my predicament to several individuals that I knew would aid in helping me to learn via humiliation. I was not disappointed!

That is how I did, in fact, lose a knife fight to myself.


LESSONS RE-LEARNED:

• When you do stupid things with sharp objects, sooner or later a stupid injury will ensue.
• Listen to people to warn you, especially when you know they are right.
• If you're going to practice with a knife, use an inert replica or at least cover the edge and point to minimize risk of injury.
• Don't do anything with a knife or other sharp tool when you're not alert or when you are distracted.

OBSERVATIONS:

• Very sharp, hawkbill blades cut flesh easily with very little force applied.
• I was surprised by the complete lack of pain. I would not have known I was cut if not for the bleeding.
• You do default to the level of your training under stress. My first-aid skills came in handy and I'm glad I have taken the time to learn and maintain them.
• Israeli Battle Dressings work really well. Knowing how to apply it to yourself before an emergency is a good skill to have and practice.
• The smell of copious amounts of blood is unmistakable and unpleasant when it's your own.
• I am clearly retarded.

Man, you really are a .....

...fantastic knife sharpener!

Hope you heal up quickly.

 

[pudly]

Man, you really are a .....

...fantastic knife sharpener!

Hope you heal up quickly.

It's been 10 months. Just saying...

 

[Mark 1911]

It's been 10 months. Just saying...

“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.” George R.R. Martin

 

[rhino]

I have a cool scar now. Chicks dig scars.

 

[eric001]

I don't remember...did it scar b/c you did the manly thing and rubbed some dirt in it??

 

[jsharmon7]

• I am clearly retarded.

http://imgur.com/gallery/keTCoWl

 

[rhino]

I don't remember...did it scar b/c you did the manly thing and rubbed some dirt in it??

I actually rolled in a dirt pile!

How I anticipate the debate will go - GIF on Imgur

TOMMY BOY!

 

[indiucky]

I just came here because Rhino cut himself again......

You know Rhino I believe it was either Dull Knife or Sitting Bull who cut himself a hundred times and had a vision of Custer's men falling at Little Big Horn...So the question is....When you reach a hundred cuts will you share your vision with us???? Sitting Bull it seems...(Should have known it wasn't a cat named Dull Knife duh...)

So Sitting Rhino cuts himself 100 times and has visions of Democrats falling by the wayside as Donald "Yellow Hair Comb Over" Trump dances???????

On June 6th, some 3,000 Lakota and Cheyenne were camped along Rosebud Creek in Montana. There they held their most sacred ritual -- a sun dance -- in which prayers were offered and vows made to Wakan Tanka, their Great Spirit.
Sitting Bull slashed his arms one hundred times as a sign of sacrifice. Then he had another vision: The soldiers came again to attack his people -- "as many as grasshoppers," he said -- but this time they were upside down, their horse's hooves in the air, their hats tumbling to the ground as they rode into the Lakota camp.

“He has this tremendous vision...that there's going to be this great victory. And armed with this vision the warriors go out looking for somebody to fight.”

 

[rhino]

When I cut myself, my visions tend to involve three things:

1. Blood,
2. My declining bank balance to pay for the medical treatment, and
3. The embarrassment that accompanies each of my forays into the Dark World of Dumba**ery.

 

[RobbyMaQ]

I have a cool scar now. Chicks dig scars.

Can I shoot your scar sometime? Dudes dig Scars also. Just saying.

 

[Archbishop]

Turn over all sharp objects until further notice.