INGO: Joke of the day page

[Tomc1947]

.....and then there's the Polish Raccoon: Chewed three legs off and was still trapped.

 

[Redtbird]

Darn! I broke my ear wax removal tool this morning. But that's okay, it'll grow back in a couple of weeks!


Did you hear about the blonde who thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats?


Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair!


Warning! Don't ask for a thin hair discount. The barbers charge more, calling it a "finders fee".


I just plucked my eyebrows. I think they were out of tune.

Night all!

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[AngryRooster]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes! 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha that liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[jamil]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes! 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha that liar told you I was speeding, too.

That's probably not gonna work IRL.

 

[Bill of Rights]

That's probably not gonna work IRL.

Body cameras.

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[ArcadiaGP]

On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla

How ****ty of a parent are you?

 

[Jerchap2]

A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?!" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15?!" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."
"Oh my goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be insane. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

 

[Jerchap2]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Sitting on the bus reading a book when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

 

[Jerchap2]

Two women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins and fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour. When we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!

 

[Jerchap2]

What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?


A tire.

 

[Doug]

They are opening a meditation lounge for Buddhists at the airport.
They're calling it "Your Ommm away from Ommm."

 

[Bill of Rights]

They are opening a meditation lounge for Buddhists at the airport.
They're calling it "Your Ommm away from Ommm."

SmileDocHill said he's putting one in for his Buddhist patients, too. It's for those who want to transcend dental medication.

 

[sharkey]

SmileDocHill said he's putting one in for his Buddhist patients, too. It's for those who want to transcend dental medication.

 

[jamil]

They are opening a meditation lounge for Buddhists at the airport.
They're calling it "Your Ommm away from Ommm."

I would think there'd be some resistance to that.

 

[eldirector]

I would think there'd be some resistance to that.

With enough potential, anything is possible.

 

[jamil]

With enough potential, anything is possible.

So you're saying, potential makes possible the raging currents that overcome resistance.

 

[Ericpwp]

Can we drop it?