Divorce sucks...

[ATOMonkey]

Especially when one party, apparently, has no interest in trying to save the marriage.

It's not even my marriage, and it's tearing my guts out.

 

[thatgtrguy]

yeah, when one person is done. The marriage is really done.

 

[shibumiseeker]

BTDT. It was my second marriage and I was going to do whatever it took to make it work because after my first marriage I'd vowed not to get married again unless I felt I could make it a lifetime commitment, but she didn't want to work on it. We'd not even been having real problems, she just up and left with no discussion.

 

[ATOMonkey]

I am doing my best to mediate between the two of them. I am begging borrowing and pleading with her to just give him one day at a time.

I am 100% committed to saving this marriage, even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming back into it. It is worth saving.

 

[Mrmonte]

I am doing my best to mediate between the two of them. I am begging borrowing and pleading with her to just give him one day at a time.

I am 100% committed to saving this marriage, even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming back into it. It is worth saving.

My youngest brother just went through this, his divorce was final Jan 1st. He was the one who wanted out. They went through therapy, did mediation, and talked to the church. Bottom line is my bro wanted out! It got to the point that he couldnt stand going home to his wife at the end of the day. You cant put a bandaid on a broken arm and expect to fix it.

Your buddy will be better off not being in a loveless marriage in the long run.

 

[ATOMonkey]

My youngest brother just went through this, his divorce was final Jan 1st. He was the one who wanted out. They went through therapy, did mediation, and talked to the church. Bottom line is my bro wanted out! It got to the point that he couldnt stand going home to his wife at the end of the day. You cant put a bandaid on a broken arm and expect to fix it.

Your buddy will be better off not being in a loveless marriage in the long run.

Sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree.

Love is not a feeling, love is an intentional act that will lead to feelings of
affection and romance.

Also, there is no instance where a divorce has better results than a marriage that is saved.

 

[adws943]

I have been there. Looking back now it was the best thing that could happen to me. Good luck.

 

[ATOMonkey]

I also completely understand that it takes 2 people fully committed to each other to make a marriage work.

Also, this is not a case of one person abusing the other. It's just an instance were he was distant and not engaged in his family, which lead to her feeling neglected and unhappy. This is NOT a hopeless sistuation, which is probably what is getting to me the most. I have seen this kind of situation first hand, and know that it can be fixed and the result can be a very strong fulfilling marriage.

 

[Mrmonte]

They both have to want it.

 

[LANShark42]

They both have to want it.

Sadly, ^^^ this.

 

[ATOMonkey]

They both have to want it.

Totally agree. Wants can be changed when feelings are changed, and how you feel about something is largely determined by how it affects you.

If you change how you affect someone, you can change how they feel about you, and that will change their idea about what they want from life.

Of course, there are some instances, where a person's heart is so hard, and their mind so closed, that nothing will help. Always a possibility. I would like to think that is very rare though.

 

[Scutter01]

My wife is my best friend. I can't even imagine going through that.

 

[Mrmonte]

I know you have good intentions ATO. When my bro was going through it, I did everything I could to be there for him when he wanted to talk or get some stuff off his chest. Sometimes thats all you can do. Good luck and I hope things work out in the end.

 

[WyldeShot]

Totally agree. Wants can be changed when feelings are changed, and how you feel about something is largely determined by how it affects you.

If you change how you affect someone, you can change how they feel about you, and that will change their idea about what they want from life.

Of course, there are some instances, where a person's heart is so hard, and their mind so closed, that nothing will help. Always a possibility. I would like to think that is very rare though.

Like many have said, both parties have to want to save the marriage. Even if there's just a little bit of interest in saving it, there a chance. I went through this several years ago, it's a long story. We ended up finding a marriage counselor that was fair. She did not put blame on either of us and she but blame on both of us equally. It was a lot of hard work but everything turned out for the better and we are still married after 4 years.

 

[hoosierdoc]

2/3 of unhappy marriages will be happy in 5 years if people stick together. People give up on portions of life all the time. Unfortunately relationships are part of life.

 

[tj_v89]

Sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree.

Love is not a feeling, love is an intentional act that will lead to feelings of
affection and romance.

Also, there is no instance where a divorce has better results than a marriage that is saved.

^^^^this

look at the divorce rate in the U.S. now, look at it from 50 years ago....now look at the divorce rate in far eastern areas like Japan and China.

The U.S. is a "I-want-my-way-and-I-want-it-right-now" place. People too quickly decide, "well its not working right now and I dont want to work at it, so lets give up"....its a lack of courage in my opinion. I am married and this will be my 4year anniversary in a few months and I must say that I love my wife everyday, but I certainly do not like her everyday haha....but I am committed to her and only her, so no matter what, we make it work.

 

[WyldeShot]

^^^^this

look at the divorce rate in the U.S. now, look at it from 50 years ago....now look at the divorce rate in far eastern areas like Japan and China.

The U.S. is a "I-want-my-way-and-I-want-it-right-now" place. People too quickly decide, "well its not working right now and I dont want to work at it, so lets give up"....its a lack of courage in my opinion. I am married and this will be my 4year anniversary in a few months and I must say that I love my wife everyday, but I certainly do not like her everyday haha....but I am committed to her and only her, so no matter what, we make it work.

We are committed to each other and to our kids. We want to do everything in our power to allow our kids to grow up with both parents in the same loving. That being said, I know that kids is not an answer to stay together and that if parents are fighting all of the time the kids are usually better off if the parents are not together.

 

[tj_v89]

We are committed to each other and to our kids. We want to do everything in our power to allow our kids to grow up with both parents in the same loving. That being said, I know that kids is not an answer to stay together and that if parents are fighting all of the time the kids are usually better off if the parents are not together.

I can agree with this as well....my parents divorced when I was young, and though I was young enough to not remember any of the fights (thankfully) there still were lots of them apparently...and from that divorce, my mom remarried and I have an awesome step-father and step-brothers...they are 100% of the reason for my love and competence for firearms! Good CAN come from seemingly bad situations.

 

[88GT]

I also completely understand that it takes 2 people fully committed to each other to make a marriage work.

Also, this is not a case of one person abusing the other. It's just an instance were he was distant and not engaged in his family, which lead to her feeling neglected and unhappy. This is NOT a hopeless sistuation, which is probably what is getting to me the most. I have seen this kind of situation first hand, and know that it can be fixed and the result can be a very strong fulfilling marriage.

I honestly believe more marriages end because of selfish stupidity and foolish pride than any other reason. Each party refuses to look at his/her own behavior and contributions to the problem and focuses solely on how wronged he/she feels. Which leads to tension/malice towards the partner, which further alienates them as a couple, which leads to more perceived injury. And so on and so forth. Ad nauseum.

If more people focused on actively loving rather than submitting to silly emotions, we'd probably have a lot less divorce.

 

[RedneckReject]

Sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. I have to agree with the others that have said they both have to want to save their marriage. Even if it's only a small part of them that wants to save it. It doesn't matter how small that desire may be. If there is any part of them that want to save the marriage that shows that there are SOME feelings there for the other person. It's simply a flame that needs to be rekindled. It's the rekindling that's the hard part. I went through this a few years ago with my other half. We came so close to giving up on each other that it's scary. Fortunately for us we were able to work through it and now our relationship is better than it has ever been. I can't imagine being with anyone else. Ever. It's hard work, but I know it can be done. I hope you manage to help these people work everything out. I'm thankful that I experienced it. It made us realize just how much we love each other and showed us that no matter how hopeless it seems we can always save it.