Divorce sucks...

[roisigns]

Menopause & divorce

The following is a quote:

"In an AARP Magazine survey of 1,200 people who divorced in their 40-60s, over two-thirds of the initiators were women. Why?


P.S. Don't shoot the messenger.

Menopause and Marriage - Marriage

 

[churchmouse]

Deep into my 3rd marriage. 31 yrs. Learned a lot and realize now that feelings are only a small part of the total equation. Appearance is the same, only a small part.

Picking a partner, that is the big thing. Someone who will stand shoulder to shoulder with you when life kicks you in the junk.

Ferrari's are fast, sweet to look at, fun to ride and great to show off to your friends.
Way too much maintenance and far to temperamental. They are easily stolen.

Now a Monti Carlo, that is a good way to go. Reliable, easy on the eyes and runs forever with only moderate up-keep. Easier to hang onto.

If you understand this my work here is done.....................

 

[churchmouse]

In an AARP Magazine survey of 1,200 people who divorced in their 40-60s, over two-thirds of the initiators were women. Why?

Hormones play a part in menopause and thus, the resulting divorce. Studies show that early in life when women’s estrogen levels are high, they feel a sense of maternal nurturing. To ensure the survival of the family, they become the peace-makers and caretakers. As menopause ensues, estrogen levels drop while testosterone levels rise. A woman suddenly feels less inclined to be the pleaser. The increase of testosterone makes her “testy” and more prone to thinking about her own needs. A lot of women suddenly think, “I’ve put everyone first in my life. There are things about him and our marriage that I don’t want to put up with anymore.”



Menopause and Marriage - Marriage

OK...................

 

[Mrmonte]

Now a Monti Carlo,

Not to be a grammar nazi but you do have a Monte Carlo SS in your avatar.

 

[68_F100]

What really breaks my heart are the 3 little children who are going to suffer because of this.

A six year old girl with blonde hair and blue eyes who thinks her Daddy hung the moon. A 3 year old boy with big brown eyes who thinks his Daddy is the center of the world and a 1 y/o boy who will never even know his father.

I know that if they get a divorce, he'll literally never see his children again. His career won't allow it.

Maybe 2 or 3 times a year...

Then he needs to pull his head out of his ass and figure out what the important things in life are. Might just fix his marriage in the process.

 

[SkullDaddy.45]

I am doing my best to mediate between the two of them. I am begging borrowing and pleading with her to just give him one day at a time.

I am 100% committed to saving this marriage, even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming back into it. It is worth saving.

Sometimes we feel the need to help those that we love, but i'm speaking from experience here, stay out of it! If your buddy needs a shoulder to cry on, then by all means dust off the shoulder and let him cry. But sometimes things happend for a reason, and maybe they need to be apart for awhile, or forever. I did the same thing for my brother, tried to mediate things. Now their back together and neither of them will talk to me, i stuck my nose inbetween two people who needed to work out things on thier own terms, not mine.be a friend, don't take sides.

 

[churchmouse]

Not to be a grammar nazi but you do have a Monte Carlo SS in your avatar.

Yeah...Guess I should know how to spell that huh.

OK, an SS is all those things as well with extras.

 

[churchmouse]

Then he needs to pull his head out of his ass and figure out what the important things in life are. Might just fix his marriage in the process.

New career time looks like.

 

[paddling_man]

PM makes mental note to buy estrogen replacement drugs and begin stoking Mrs PM's coffee with Premarin.

18 years now. She is still beautiful. A brilliant mind but compassionate to a fault. She could have been making six figures annually with her education but spends her days working with downs & autistic young adults teaching them life skills, working for a not-for-profit. Not too mention the career sacrifices she made to support the early development of our own autistic/aspie son.

Happy V Day, Mrs PM. I love you and don't deserve you!

 

[Knife Lady]

I am with most on here. It will take both parties to make the marriage work. Most women need a lot of attention and affection. I said most not all. I beleive people in general like attention. when one feels like they are not getting what they need they usually look elsewhere. If they find it then they are usually gone for good. No turning back to the one they are married to. The new on is exciting and brings something to the talble that has been lost for sometime. I hope this is not the case and they BOTH still have enough LOVE for each other to stick it out and make it work.
They not only still have to love each other but they still have to be in love with each other. I know it sounds corny but I feel it to be true. You can love someone but not be in love with them. If you are not in love with them then you lose that feeling of excitement and desire to be with them.
Good luck.

 

[bonzaiberger]

I was in Texas for four mounths last winter for work and when I came home, I came home to a different house. It was like I didn't even come home. I guess my wife was so used to doing things on her own she didn't need my input. So I felt disrespected by her and my stepson. Over the next few months my anger grew until bad arguments happened and I blamed her for everything while she said I needed medical treatment which made me even more mad!(so she was prob correct) She tried to talk to me and I wouldn't because my anger had me convinced it was all her fault.
In Aug she told me she didn't love me any more and we should get a divorce. I was mad that she just gave up on us like that but we decided to wait until after christmas for the kids(11 year old stepson and three year old son with her) I thought that meant there might still be hope for us and we could work it out.
Feb 26 she tells me its time to divorce and wants to keep it civil and I agreed, she let me stay in the house until I found a place. BTW I never wanted to divorce and told her this in the fall.
A week later the rumor mill hits me that she is messing around. I found out on the 10th that Feb 22 she was making out with a guy in a bar, then after she told me she was done, had been hooking up with him a few times because we were done it was ok. When I confronted her about it she denied everything but the other guy was my friends cousin so he provided proof. She took the kids to her moms house that night but I moved in with my dad the next.We haven't even signed the papers yet. I'm devistated over this and the worst part is knowing that my anger pushed her away. Even after her cheating on me I 'm still trying to get myself to not be in love with her.We really were two peas in a pod.
I'm meeting an attornoy next thurs because I need legal advice on what to do.
Any advice, those that read this?

 

[RedneckReject]

I was in Texas for four mounths last winter for work and when I came home, I came home to a different house. It was like I didn't even come home. I guess my wife was so used to doing things on her own she didn't need my input. So I felt disrespected by her and my stepson. She tried to talk to me and I wouldn't because my anger had me convinced it was all her fault.
In Aug she told me she didn't love me any more and we should get a divorce. I was mad that she just gave up on us like that but we decided to wait until after christmas for the kids(11 year old stepson and three year old son with her) I thought that meant there might still be hope for us and we could work it out.
Feb 26 she tells me its time to divorce and wants to keep it civil and I agreed, she let me stay in the house until I found a place. BTW I never wanted to divorce and told her this in the fall.
A week later the rumor mill hits me that she is messing around. I found out on the 10th that Feb 22 she was making out with a guy in a bar, then after she told me she was done, had been hooking up with him a few times because we were done it was ok. We haven't even signed the papers yet. I'm devistated over this and the worst part is knowing that my anger pushed her away. Even after her cheating on me I 'm still trying to get myself to not be in love with her.
Any advice, those that read this?

I'm sorry to hear about this but try not to beat yourself up too much over it. Very rarely is it only one person's fault that there are problems in a marriage bad enough to cause a divorce. There are exceptions of course but 9 times out of 10 both parties are to blame. As much as I hate to say it, it's likely that she was hooking up with this person long before you knew about it. I'm sure you don't want to think about that and I may be wrong, but most likely it's true. I really feel for you as my other half and I almost got to this point a few years ago. It was one of the worst times of my life.

 

[cyprant]

Awe man. I feel so bad for you...I dont have any advice for you other than Divorces can get real messy and you may want to make sure you are 100% comfortable with what you post in a public forum... good luck and reread your post a few times to be sure before some one quotes your post and you cant edit it.

Take care.

 

[cyprant]

Oops. Already been quoted...

 

[Giddaltti]

Let it be , it is what it is and we move on! Its not easy. At middle age its about finding someone to grow old with and enjoy the new company. Just a thought.

 

[Hookeye]

To the OP:

Some women, especially around age 45, tend to get a little weirded out.
And with the media and social contacts (misery loves company), they can get a lot of bad advice in supposed support of their view.

A guy that loves his wife would scramble and do everything he could to save his marriage.
It's our nature, to try and fix things.

In this type of situation it usually has the wrong effect.

Anything outside of short business polite contact (even regarding the kids) will probably push her away.

Don't make small talk, don't text, don't send flowers or letters................do nothing but the minimum, business polite, don't even discuss the friggin' weather.

It's really the only card ya got to play man.

She might snap out of it, but chances are she won't.

To add, be careful what one prays for.............you might get it

IMHO if one honors their covenant, the rest will work itself out (whatever that might be).

 

[PX4me]

I am 100% committed to saving this marriage, even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming back into it. It is worth saving.

How do you know? If you're not living under that roof you can't make that judgement, sorry.

Just basing my opinion on what you've stated so far, I'd say he's not around much now. She's found an "emotional" friend which may in fact already be a physical one as well. And don't tell me you're sure she isn't involved with someone else. Unless you've got her under surveillance 24/7, you can't make that determination either.

Just because you want to save it (I'd like to know why you're so invested) doesn't mean squat. Yes it will be a shame for the kids but divorce always is. I got divorced when my son was 5 and my daughter was 2. The good of it still outweighed the bad. My first marriage was not pretty.

I think you need to step back and let the chips fall where they may, or pipe up and let us know what the real deal is.

 

[Spanky46151]

I'm not trying to change your mind on attempting to influence this relationship, but just a word of warning. Protective orders are not uncommon in these domestic situations, especially if the female is the petitioner. Should she resent your efforts, and choose to include you as someone she wants the court to order to cease contact, you could end up with one against you. Then it's simply a box for the judge to check to deny you your 2A rights. Not saying this will or is likely to happen, but it is a possibility.

 

[Hookeye]

One's own wife (or that of a family member or friend), guys...................leave her the heck alone.

Whatever you say will probably get twisted by the sisterhood.

If they took certain vows they might need a reminder of what transpired.
Outside of that (they probably don't care anyway).................leave 'em alone (suggest counseling and be done with it).

You can't fix it, and you don't want to get in the middle of the mess.

Steer clear.

 

[LoriW]

BTDT from the female perspective. My ex husband spent 20 months straight in Iraq with no leave home to see us. He decided while he was over there that he didn't love me as a husband should love his wife and we should get divorced. He was firmly committed to getting a divorce. He also just happened to "reconnect" with a childhood friend (who is now his wife..hmmm). I tried everything I could think of. He refused counseling. I gave up on trying to save it after I realized that he hated himself and didn't feel he deserved me. He'd always refused to introduce me to most of his friends, now I know why. I moved on. This divorce was rough on my emotions and my ego but I dealt with it. I tried dating when I could manage. Usually I couldn't. I was too messed up. I spend a LOT of time on INGO (under a previous screen name. Thank you Que!). Eventually I found the man I'm now married to and I couldn't be happier. I'm not saying divorce is right. I never want to be divorced again. But a marriage can't be saved if only person in it is willing to fight for it. 2 said "I do" but it only takes 1 to break that promise. Divorce can be the best thing that's ever happened to someone or the worst. It's all in the perspective