INGO: Joke of the day page

[Magyars]

 

[Hardscrable]

 

[jerrob]

View attachment 325940

Driver's license.....................check.

(Crickets chirping)

 

[Magyars]

Guy goes to the Doctor....says Doc, my junk is orange and I'm concerned.
Doc asks have to been around paints or stains? Guy says NO.
Doc asks have you been around chemicals or biological material?
Guy says NO.
Doc asks, what about nuclear....again a negative response.
Doc asks, well what do you do all day?
Guy says, I'm retired, I watch porn and eat cheetos!

 

[Hardscrable]

 

[Hardscrable]

 

[Magyars]

View attachment 326209

Reminds me of the advice my Grandfather gave me when I turned 18.
He said marry a women with small hands.
I said why grandpa?
He said it'll make your junk look bigger!

 

[smokingman]

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

 

[smokingman]

A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

 

[MRockwell]

I hadn't seen my best buddy for a while and decided to stop at his house to see how he was doing. He invited me in and I asked how things were

“Not good to be honest,” he told me. “My wife went out, supposedly to get some milk, and then sent me a text saying she's left me and isn't coming back”.

I was devastated for him and tried to sympathize… “ How are you coping?, I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and said “Well, OK I suppose… I've been using that powdered stuff.”

 

[Ballstater98]

Why are pirates called pirates?

They just arrrrrrrrrre!

What do you call a hunter without a body and nose?

Nobody knows

How do you organize a space party?

You planet

 

[Ballstater98]

Which one is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

 

[spencer rifle]

Which one is more important, the sun or the moon?

You might think it's the sun, with all the warmth and weather effects and making photosynthesis possible.
But it's actually the moon. The moon gives us light at night, when it's dark. But the sun shines in the daytime, when it's light anyway.

 

[spencer rifle]

I have this old list of bumper stickers, which is pages of this kind of stuff:
100,000 Lemmings can't be wrong!
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
43% of all statistics are useless
A day without sunshine is like, night
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend
A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
All generalizations are false, including this one
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always be sincere. Even when you don't mean it!
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

 

[smokingman]

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.

 

[Hardscrable]

 

[Ballstater98]

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

 

[Michigan Slim]

The taste.

 

[smokingman]

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"






Hat

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.

Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Father: Go ahead, son.

Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.

Father: Is that so?

Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.

Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"

Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!

 

[actaeon277]