INGO: Joke of the day page

[Hardscrable]

 

[Hardscrable]

 

[Hardscrable]

 

[JCSR]

First day of school the new woke teacher asked the kids what was their favorite story.

Little Johnny was up first and explained Jonah and the Whale was his favorite cause it was so cool Jonah got swallowed up and lived inside until he was chucked up on the shores of Nineveh .

Woke teacher came back with " that's a poor example because the whale's throat isn't large enough to allow a person to pass to the stomach.

Little Johnny said "when I get to heaven I'll look him up and ask him."

Woke teacher asked "what if he's in hell?"

"Then you'll have to ask him" replied Little Johnny

 

[MRockwell]

I once got a ticket and it involved a dead cat.

Driving the speed limit. Main Street in a small Indiana town. Nice spring day with warm sun. Fluffy white cat comes running across the street and “thump” flat cat.
So I stop and go pick the poor cat up to get it out of the road and like I said flat cat.

Some woman comes out of the house. “You hit my cat?” I need your drivers license and your insurance card. “That cat was 350 dollars at the pet store and I want insurance to pay for it?”

Now being the nice guy I am I said “I admit I hit your cat and I also admit I feel bad about it.” “Here is twenty dollars for a new cat cause that’s what cats are worth not 350”

She started over and then called the cops.
When they showed up the cops wrote me a ticket. FOR ARGUING ABOUT THE PRICE OF ***** on a PUBLIC HIGHWAY.

 

[MRockwell]

On a flight from London to New York City It was only discovered after take off, they didn't have enough meals for all the passengers.

However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, “Ladies and gentleman, we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners.

Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!”

Her next announcement came 5 hours later.

“Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 200 dinners available.”

 

[MRockwell]

ADMINS OF THIS GROUP NEED TO DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE ?!... WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER...A WOMAN... SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM N-K-D PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE-UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 15+ IN EXCHANGE FOR S-X-AL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6, AND OBVIOUSLY, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW, AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

THANKS IN ADVANCE..

 

[jamil]

View attachment 334918

Seriously, I am gonna do that to my son. that's hilarious.

 

[JCSR]

ADMINS OF THIS GROUP NEED TO DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE ?!... WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER...A WOMAN... SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM N-K-D PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE-UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 15+ IN EXCHANGE FOR S-X-AL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6, AND OBVIOUSLY, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW, AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

THANKS IN ADVANCE..

 

[actaeon277]

Seriously, I am gonna do that to my son. that's hilarious.

I'm glad I can help.

 

[smokingman]

Her body tensed and shook as she felt wave after wave surge through her.

I should have probably told her about the new electric fence.

 

[Magyars]

What the square root of 69? 8 something!

 

[eric001]

Why don't badgers want to live by creeks?


















Because they don't give a dam.

 

[JCSR]

For Immediate Release:
There have been coyote sightings near some neighborhoods in the area. Typically, coyotes are nocturnal, but they are not uncommon in the early mornings or evenings. Merely seeing one is not a reason to contact the authorities. However, certain behaviors are cause for alarm, specifically:
o Coyote carrying a box marked ACME
o Coyote dropping an anvil from a hot air balloon
o Coyote posting signs such as “Detour” or “Free Bird Seed.”
o Coyote in possession of a giant magnet
o Coyote in control of a catapult
o Coyote Detonating explosives or TNT
o Coyote launching itself from a giant crossbow
If any of these behaviors are observed, please contact authorities to see it because that guy NEVER wins.
Thank you for your support.
Have a great week! Beep. Beep.

 

[MRockwell]

 

[MRockwell]

Interviewer: Mr Calhoun, thanks for coming in.

Calhoun : It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

Interviewer: This plane that was involved in the incident this week…

Calhoun: Yeah, the one the door fell off?

Interviewer: Yeah

Calhoun: Yeah, that’s not very typical, I’d like to make that point.

Interviewer: Well, how is it un-typical?

Senator Collins: Well there are a lot of these planes going around the world all the time, and very seldom does anything like this happen. I just don’t want people thinking that planes aren’t safe.

Interviewer: Was this plane safe?

Calhoun: Well, I was thinking more about the other ones.

Interviewer: The ones that are safe?

Calhoun: Yeah, the ones the door doesn’t fall off.

Interviewer: Well, if this wasn’t safe why did it have 150 passengers on it?

Calhoun: I’m not saying it wasn’t safe, it’s just perhaps not quite as safe as some of the other ones.

Interviewer: Why?

Calhoun: Well, some of them are built so the door doesn’t fall off at all.

Interviewer: Wasn’t this built so the door wouldn’t fall off?

Calhoun: Well, obviously not.

Interviewer: Well, how do you know?

Calhoun: Well, the door fell off

 

[AndreusMaximus]

The original, for those who don't know:

 

[tomcat13]

 

[Ballstater98]

 

[actaeon277]