When to call it quits?

[Fordtough25]

When neither of you are happy, whats the point of being miserable. You only live once, might as well try and enjoy it.

I will add when you are happier being at work away from your spouse. I went through the big D last year and what a relief. Even found my first love and we are happy like it always should have been.

 

[G_Stines]

Please see the bolded in my response. I am not swayed, particularly not by the juvenile behavior of people who claim to be adults.

I quoted your post with intent to say that you are absolutely right and then continue with my story. Brain lapse. I apologize. My intent was to show one possible outcome of staying together long term if they were unhappy.

 

[chandler10r1]

At least give yourself 30 days to think it over. A divorce can be done quickly now days but it can never be undone. I do agree with the cheating and drugs quote though. Other than that I would take my time making the decision.

 

[joslar15]

Without going into details, when do you guys call it quits and get a divorce?

For better or worse... You've had the better, now welcome to worse. Focus on what you love about her and the reasons you got married. Give those things your attention and nurture them. If the two of you married for the right reasons, you'll get through this rough patch and be glad you did. Prayers for the both of you.

 

[sadclownwp]

Without going into details, when do you guys call it quits and get a divorce?

When I get married, I'll tell you for sure. But I can say the marriage would be over as soon as she decided she wanted kids. That is a deal breaker for me.

 

[j706]

Divorce is never an option. It may be permitted in the event of infidelity, but to me it is never an option. Love is given unconditionally, and my oath of marriage the same.

Same here. 26 years later it is still working for me and mine. Too many people run down to the courthouse over some pretty petty things. It is like that oath they took didn't mean a thing.

 

[96firephoenix]

Divorce is never an option. It may be permitted in the event of infidelity, but to me it is never an option. Love is given unconditionally, and my oath of marriage the same.

somehow, I knew RoS would post this in here before I got to it.

I really hate seeing so many marriages end in divorce. I pray that your marriage does not end so.

 

[Que]

Without going into details, when do you guys call it quits and get a divorce?

Caleb,

To even pose the question on an open thread shows, 1) you are hurting, and 2) you don't want to get a divorce. You are not alone, buddy. We all have asked that question once or twice... a week. You may find more people willing to tell you to give up, than those willing to say, hold on to your marriage in the way Charleston Heston would hold on to his guns, but it's too easy to give up! Today's society allows us to be cowards and run away from every little problem, pointing the blame at others. I know there are people who have been divorced for valid reasons. Still there are others who have allowed their marriages to be destroyed on the foundation of selfishness and misunderstanding.

Examine the entire relationship. If you can honestly find no fault (100% innocent) in yourself that led to the existing problem, then maybe it's time to divorce. However, I'm of the belief -- and I know many will differ -- that in any marriage, when there is a problem, the man must examine himself to see what part he's played. A woman will only birth what has been put in her by the man. As men, we must guard our entire house: physical, spiritual, and emotional. If the wife is not provided for in all three of these areas, it opens a door to divorce. Yeah, I know men have needs, too, but it is our responsibility to first provide for our woman what she needs and what we want to get out of her. If we attempt to get out of her what we need without placing it in her, similar to a banking relationship, we will find lack, deficiency and even bankruptcy.

Seek what you can do to make it better. Just like debt, it will take just as long to get through this as it took to get into it. There is no one-day divorce remedy. It will take time to build trust, but you must first forgive her for what you perceive to be her faults. Until you do this, you can never heal enough to be strong and able to do what you must do. After you forgive, you will be able to honor and respect the position she holds as your wife. When you honor her for the place she holds in your life, she will instinctually begin to act like out of her purpose. It may get worse before it gets better, but you will see signs of hope.

Fight for your marriage as you would fight against an intruder coming into your home. Make everything a weapons and use it to the best of your ability and with all of your strength, until the threat has been removed.

To answer your question, we don't "call it quits!"

 

[Birds Away]

One of the worst times of my marriage was just after the kids were born. Hang in there. It is only natural that she will be going in six different directions and none of them are towards you. Hang in there, it gets better...well, a little.

 

[shibumiseeker]

Only you and she can answer that question.

I know there are plenty of people who will tell you to hang on regardless.

My advice, for what it's worth having been married too young and divorced by mutual agreement a few years later, then divorced without my wanting it the second time I got married where before I had specifically vowed to do whatever it took to make it work if I'd ever gotten married again. She decided she didn't want to be married after a couple of years for no reason other than that without any discussion:

There are times where divorce is appropriate, even when children are involved. There are obvious ones like abuse or a partner who is into destructive illegal behaviors, but there's also less tangible reasons that aren't as easy to point to. A low level hostile home environment that continues for a long time is not a good one for anyone involved, adults or children.

However, don't do it in haste or unilaterally. You can't control another person's behavior, but you need to give it an honest effort to work through the relationship problems and that's not just "putting up with it", it's doing your best to communicate and compromise, and compromise is finding solutions to problems that are fair to both sides even if both sides have to give up something. Seek professional counseling even if she won't go, it can give you an objective perspective.

If you've done all of that and divorce is still a better option, then do it and be an adult about it even of the other person cannot, especially if children are involved.

 

[Hotdoger]

Divorce is never an option. It may be permitted in the event of infidelity, but to me it is never an option. Love is given unconditionally, and my oath of marriage the same.

+1

I took the words I said that day 31 years ago as if they were written in stone.

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

Have you thought about / considered seeking marriage counseling?

-J-

 

[iChokePeople]

Without going into details, when do you guys call it quits and get a divorce?

At the point where you're going to strangers on the internet to validate one of the biggest decisions in your life and the lives of people you care about? Oh, wait, no, maybe not...

 

[Mr. Habib]

I must have missed this announcement, but know this: if you call it quits, you're not just walking out on a marriage, you're walking out on your responsibility to your child(ren).

My personal take is this: (and this only applies when children are involved), unless there's physical or mental abuse (though not specifically abuse, a spouse that is just plain poison for all involved is included in this category) or cheating, then the parents need to be the adults they are and put their children first. I know it's an unpopular opinion, but divorce for any other reason is pure selfishness.

Of course, I've been on the receiving end of the "I want out" discussion, and it was about 2 weeks after #2 was born. I might be a little biased.

As long as you consider it an option, you will sabotage any attempt to salvage what you have. Keep that in mind.

I ask this rhetorically because I don't want you to answer it, I just want you to consider the question: Where did you take your marriage oath and what's that oath worth to you?

Divorce is never an option. It may be permitted in the event of infidelity, but to me it is never an option. Love is given unconditionally, and my oath of marriage the same.

Caleb,

To even pose the question on an open thread shows, 1) you are hurting, and 2) you don't want to get a divorce. You are not alone, buddy. We all have asked that question once or twice... a week. You may find more people willing to tell you to give up, than those willing to say, hold on to your marriage in the way Charleston Heston would hold on to his guns, but it's too easy to give up! Today's society allows us to be cowards and run away from every little problem, pointing the blame at others. I know there are people who have been divorced for valid reasons. Still there are others who have allowed their marriages to be destroyed on the foundation of selfishness and misunderstanding.

Examine the entire relationship. If you can honestly find no fault (100% innocent) in yourself that led to the existing problem, then maybe it's time to divorce. However, I'm of the belief -- and I know many will differ -- that in any marriage, when there is a problem, the man must examine himself to see what part he's played. A woman will only birth what has been put in her by the man. As men, we must guard our entire house: physical, spiritual, and emotional. If the wife is not provided for in all three of these areas, it opens a door to divorce. Yeah, I know men have needs, too, but it is our responsibility to first provide for our woman what she needs and what we want to get out of her. If we attempt to get out of her what we need without placing it in her, similar to a banking relationship, we will find lack, deficiency and even bankruptcy.

Seek what you can do to make it better. Just like debt, it will take just as long to get through this as it took to get into it. There is no one-day divorce remedy. It will take time to build trust, but you must first forgive her for what you perceive to be her faults. Until you do this, you can never heal enough to be strong and able to do what you must do. After you forgive, you will be able to honor and respect the position she holds as your wife. When you honor her for the place she holds in your life, she will instinctually begin to act like out of her purpose. It may get worse before it gets better, but you will see signs of hope.

Fight for your marriage as you would fight against an intruder coming into your home. Make everything a weapons and use it to the best of your ability and with all of your strength, until the threat has been removed.

To answer your question, we don't "call it quits!"

Take all of this heart. From someone who's been there and dealt with the abuse, the screaming, the repeated infidelity, threats and police. It is the best advice you will get. As the man of the house you need to take responsibility for your marriage. If she chooses to leave then let her go knowing that you have done everything possible to prevent that. You have to be able to look in the mirror every morning and respect the person that you see there.

 

[lovemachine]

When I get married, I'll tell you for sure. But I can say the marriage would be over as soon as she decided she wanted kids. That is a deal breaker for me.

I think that you should have a discussion about kids BEFORE you get married.

 

[IndySSD]

Infidelity is the only hurdle I refuse to climb to make my marriage work.

My wife knows all she has to do to end the relationship is to cheat on me.

 

[CalebToNowhere]

Damn, I really hope that you are asking for advice to give to a friend since you just had a new addition to the family ~a week ago, but if not I'll just say that emotions run high around this time and you shouldn't call it quits just yet.

Without details (assuming the baby IS yours), I suggest you give it more time and see if things calm down.

Agreed. We have two kids under two and the stress sometimes is CRAZY OVERWHELMING. Try to put all that aside. Things do get better, promise.

 

[kwatters]

Divorce is never an option. It may be permitted in the event of infidelity, but to me it is never an option. Love is given unconditionally, and my oath of marriage the same.

Best answer so far, I will add to this if you brought children into the world you owe it to them.

 

[AZ Hunter]

Whoa! I'd like to get off the couch now doc! I hope most of the advice given here is from knowledge handed down not personal experience. Caleb, sorry buddy, I will never (if I got anything to do about it) be able to give you advice on this. Chin up man and read through some of these posts. Que had a lot of good points, as well as Rockofstrenght. I don't care what anyone says, sometimes just good ol fashion honesty from strangers might be the trick. Just takes you seeing or reading one thing that makes it all click. If, and thats a big IF, this is about you, I hope things work out for the best!

 

[Bunnykid68]

If there are kids involved, it is only time to quit and walk away when your relationship becomes detrimental to the kids happiness and well being. If the 2 of you can be adults and raise your kids together without adversely affecting them you should do just that.