When to call it quits?

[CindyE]

I got married the first time at 19, and divorced at 23. Our daughter was born right after our first anniversary. The ex started behaving irresponsibly, not working, staying out all night partying and cheating. Well, i was pretty sure about the cheating, and later found out i was right.
I am not saying i was the perfect wife, i can be hard to get along with at times, especially in my younger days. The time to quit, for me, was when i felt i had given it my best, and he obviously wasn't willing to try at all. I didn't want to be one of those couples that gets remarried again. i wanted to know it was definitely over, no regrets about not trying harder. at that point, i was pretty angry and bitter, resented my daughter, depressed, no self-esteem, woke up every morning with feelings of panic and dread. a lot of that changed pretty quickly once the decision was finally made, which turned out to be what he wanted, too.
Be sure it's what you want and won't regret it. A good counselor is hard to find, but can help. The way a spouse behaves doesn't always mean what you think it does. When my current husband and i had some issues, i decided to go to counseling to figure out how i could better deal with things, because neither of us really wanted to end the marriage. He wasn't into counseling, but sometimes separate counseling is better than couples counseling anyway. my husband didn't like that i was going to counseling, and i think he's still not crazy about it, but i have learned some things about both of us.

 

[pinshooter45]

I've been married coming up on 34 yrs. And It has never been easy, life's not easy, life's not fair. I've been unemployed several times, had hard financial times and even survived the loss of a child. We've stuck to it and made it work, by leaning on each other, friends and our new church we began attending a few years ago. I've seen two relatives get married and divorced multiple times, one B-I-L has been married 5 times! It will become a vicious cycle. But I do under stand the there are situations that can't be resolved. Just like there are criminals that can't be rehabilitated. Do you best to work it out if possible. Because that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Good luck in what ever you decide, my prayers are with you!

 

[hoosierdoc]

Couple Married 72 Years Dies Holding Hands - Des Moines News Story - KCCI Des Moines

Perfect example of marriage. Other than goofy nurse talking about heart beat being picked up by other person.

Our church teaches that our marriage relationship reflects out relationship with God. If we believe God brought us together in the first place, are we saying He was wrong? Or are we just failing in our relationship with Him and each other. Not saying there's an easy answer, but it should be sought with each other and the two with God.

 

[zx6rman96]

 

[IndyMedic]

I said my vows in front of our family friends and God. There are few things that could end my marriage. The rest are just excuses for taking the easy way out.

My wife and I have had some rough and very stressful times but we are better now because of it. Not once did it ever cross my mind to leave, and she feels the same.

 

[Knife Lady]

When you do not love them any longer or when the trust is gone.
Sometimes trust can be rebuilt but it takes lots of time and patience and both people have to want to make it work. Usually it does not come back.

Both people have to want the relationship to work and both have to be in love with each other. One cannot be in love while the other is not.

 

[ATOMonkey]

It's in the best interest of BOTH parties to make the marriage work, and all efforts should be expended to do so. Including counseling, time apart, weekend retreats, etc.

However, if one party is unwilling to repent or reconcile, then divorce should probably be pursued.

Divorce is VERY expensive though, and if any children are involved, will add a tremendous amount of complication to the lives of everyone. Staying married, even with counseling and all the other expense is ALWAYS cheaper than divorce.

 

[CountryBoy19]

If you are a Christian (or you don't specifically object to biblical verses etc) you absolutely need to read this book before you consider divorce.

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1591451876/ref=asc_df_15914518761749368?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=asn&creative=395093&creativeASIN=1591451876"]Amazon.com: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (9781591451877): Emerson Eggerichs: Books[/ame]

While the book is targeted towards Christians, the message, and principles remain the same.

Not that my wife and I were considering divorce, but we didn't always see eye-to-eye. This book was recommended to me by my boss. He said it would have absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, saved his first marriage. And it is what has made his second marriage so successful.

At first, I couldn't believe that somebody could say that without a doubt, but after reading the book I believe it.

The trick is going to be to get your wife to read the book as well. That is the hardest part, and until then, you are going to struggle in applying the principles of the book. But I offer you words of encouragement; don't give up. Marriage is a precious thing, and it takes a lot of work to make it "work".

 

[ATOMonkey]

For all of the people who are married, and not considering divorce, there is nothing wrong with reading books about marriage, or even going to a retreat or counseling.

Everyone's marriage could be better, and the more you work at making your marriage better, the less chance you have that it will get worse.

My wife and I have never talked about divorce, except in the abstract, but we read probably one or two marriage books a year, and go to all of the marriage seminars that our church provides.

$.02

 

[hammer24]

When you do not love them any longer or when the trust is gone.
Sometimes trust can be rebuilt but it takes lots of time and patience and both people have to want to make it work. Usually it does not come back.

Both people have to want the relationship to work and both have to be in love with each other. One cannot be in love while the other is not.

This^^. I'm probably the last who should be giving marraige advice, but. Fight for your marraige if you feel there is hope in making it work. Try as hard as you can, but know this, if there is no effort on your spouse's part, it is just pro-longing the inevitable. If it gets to the point where someone in the relationship is seriously considering divorce, then both husband and wife have alot of work to do to correct things, and it won't happen overnight. Many times at least one of the parties has no interest in putting in the effort. Wear out all avenues to make it work, then if it doesn't you can walk away knowing you did everything you could. Others have mentioned the time right after a child's arrival as a very trying time. This I've experienced first hand. Post partum depression is no joke, and it combined with all the other stresses in life make for a toxic combo. that can spiral out of control. Communication is the key to a good relationship, if communication has broken down, then that is the first key to getting things back on track. Beware, though, the communication picking up again may speed things up in a direction you don't intend.

 

[gunman41mag]

I say When you see 5 guys in your bedroom & none of them have a basketball

 

[ATOMonkey]

Communicating honestly and openly is one of THE hardest parts of a marriage.

Mostly because we're afraid that what we say will only make the other person angry, or resent us.

The other part is that we don't want to hear the ugly truth about ourselves sometimes, or that our spouse's perception of us isn't all that great, and we can become angry when we hear criticism.

Establishing that open, honest, and non judgemental dialogue can be difficult and maintaining it just as difficult. Good communication is rooted in love and trust.

Often times we need to demonstrate our love and trust before we can effectively communicate. You demonstrate trust by making yourself vulnerable. You demonstrate Love by sacrificing.

 

[j706]

My wife has told me before that if I bring a new gun home again she is packing up and leaving. She has said that so many times I lost count. She is just kidding of course. Many women don't understand the gun passion. I usually tell her that if we had a buck for every pair of shoes she has bought we could retire. Emelda Marcos ain't got anything on my wife in the shoe department!! Whats up with women and shoes?

 

[goinggreyfast]

The Bible is pretty clear on how husband and wife are to be with each other, but I'm not allowed to go there in this forum. What I will say is that is how my wife and I view marriage and it's worked very well for 18 years now. Prayers & blessings for those involved.

 

[sgreen3]

Infidelity is the only hurdle I refuse to climb to make my marriage work.

My wife knows all she has to do to end the relationship is to cheat on me.[/QUOTE]


^^^^THIS^^^^ except with my GF now. But it was the reason for my devorce almost three yrs ago.

 

[sbcman]

If you're a Christian, the options for divorce are 1) infidelity and 2) the abandonment of an unbelieving spouse. Neither of these events are commands to divorce, but options if they occur. As several others have pointed out, love is unconditional, meaning it is given to your spouse regardless and without expectation of anything being given in return. It is also a choice and a command. In image, marriage reflects the relationship of Christ and the church.

Having said that, I will be the first to say that marriage can be tough! I'm a little over a decade in mine. Ups, downs, highs, lows, kids (3), finances, work, etc can take both positive and negative tolls on a relationship. There are some days I can count on nothing to make it right but the grace of God in Christ.

Which is the point. Nothing I know of can so refine the soul as marriage.

I think this question only gets asked to a thousand anonymous people when you're at an emotional low and probably got there pretty fast. A reasoned consideration would lead you to seek the counsel of a pastor or close friend, not a bunch of people who shoot lead through paper zombies.

Agreed. Although, I'm a pastor and a paper zombie slayer, so I don't know what category that puts me in on this post

 

[iChokePeople]

If you're a Christian, the options for divorce are 1) infidelity and 2) the abandonment of an unbelieving spouse.

 

[patience0830]

I think this question only gets asked to a thousand anonymous people when you're at an emotional low and probably got there pretty fast. A reasoned consideration would lead you to seek the counsel of a pastor or close friend, not a bunch of people who shoot lead through paper zombies.

A signature worthy line.

Caleb,(Also my youngest sons name), I'd seek some counseling from someone, or multiple someones, who does(do) that as a job to help people.

If it saves the marriage, it's worth whatever you pay for it. Marriage ain't for sissies. It requires work, compromise, and selective memory to make one last. Three legitimate reasons in my book for divorce. Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. All three involve the destruction of trust between two people.

If it's just stress and disagreement grab onto each other and hold on tight. You can get through it if you really try and help each other thru.
Good luck.

 

[hornadylnl]

If you are a Christian (or you don't specifically object to biblical verses etc) you absolutely need to read this book before you consider divorce.

Amazon.com: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (9781591451877): Emerson Eggerichs: Books

While the book is targeted towards Christians, the message, and principles remain the same.

Not that my wife and I were considering divorce, but we didn't always see eye-to-eye. This book was recommended to me by my boss. He said it would have absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, saved his first marriage. And it is what has made his second marriage so successful.

At first, I couldn't believe that somebody could say that without a doubt, but after reading the book I believe it.

The trick is going to be to get your wife to read the book as well. That is the hardest part, and until then, you are going to struggle in applying the principles of the book. But I offer you words of encouragement; don't give up. Marriage is a precious thing, and it takes a lot of work to make it "work".

My church did a group on this book and we watched the 10 hour seminar on it. There were anywhere from 10-25 couples that attended each Sunday. This book cuts deep and not one single man or woman in the group could dispute anything said in it. Many may not of liked what was said but not one could dispute the truth of it.

I've wanted to buy the dvd video of it but haven't done so yet. It's pretty expensive but well worth it. I've thought that if anyone really close to me were to get married, that dvd series would be my gift to them.

My advice is to read the book or watch the dvd's. If your spouse can't agree to the concepts in it than it's time to move on.

 

[45calibre]

Caleb,

To even pose the question on an open thread shows, 1) you are hurting, and 2) you don't want to get a divorce. You are not alone, buddy. We all have asked that question once or twice... a week. You may find more people willing to tell you to give up, than those willing to say, hold on to your marriage in the way Charleston Heston would hold on to his guns, but it's too easy to give up! Today's society allows us to be cowards and run away from every little problem, pointing the blame at others. I know there are people who have been divorced for valid reasons. Still there are others who have allowed their marriages to be destroyed on the foundation of selfishness and misunderstanding.

Examine the entire relationship. If you can honestly find no fault (100% innocent) in yourself that led to the existing problem, then maybe it's time to divorce. However, I'm of the belief -- and I know many will differ -- that in any marriage, when there is a problem, the man must examine himself to see what part he's played. A woman will only birth what has been put in her by the man. As men, we must guard our entire house: physical, spiritual, and emotional. If the wife is not provided for in all three of these areas, it opens a door to divorce. Yeah, I know men have needs, too, but it is our responsibility to first provide for our woman what she needs and what we want to get out of her. If we attempt to get out of her what we need without placing it in her, similar to a banking relationship, we will find lack, deficiency and even bankruptcy.

Seek what you can do to make it better. Just like debt, it will take just as long to get through this as it took to get into it. There is no one-day divorce remedy. It will take time to build trust, but you must first forgive her for what you perceive to be her faults. Until you do this, you can never heal enough to be strong and able to do what you must do. After you forgive, you will be able to honor and respect the position she holds as your wife. When you honor her for the place she holds in your life, she will instinctually begin to act like out of her purpose. It may get worse before it gets better, but you will see signs of hope.

Fight for your marriage as you would fight against an intruder coming into your home. Make everything a weapons and use it to the best of your ability and with all of your strength, until the threat has been removed.

To answer your question, we don't "call it quits!"

im not married but that is an epic quote.