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Colonoscopy Question
- Thread starter CHCRandy
- Start date
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I started getting these at 40 (I'm 58 now). Before I stopped drinking, I'd have vodka jello shots. Just can't use red jello!
I hear ya dude. I've actually put mine off because I'm not sure how I'm going to make it. For those of you indignant that someone has a problem going a day without food, some of us can't. I have a weird metabolism and eat every 2 - 3 hours. If I don't, I get bad stomach cramps, plus I get get shaky and weak. The doctors just say "you'll be fine" without giving me any meaningful advice, so I've been pushing it off. I'l eventually give it a go I suppose, but I'm sure as heck not looking forward to it.
Dave Barry described his first colonoscopy pretty well... 
https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html
Here are the highlights...
"I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!'' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.
''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
''Ha ha,'' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .''
. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.
If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.
Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.
I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 3511 NW 91st Ave., Miami, FL, 33172. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.
But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.
Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version."
https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html
Here are the highlights...
"I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!'' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.
''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
''Ha ha,'' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .''
. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.
If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.
Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.
I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 3511 NW 91st Ave., Miami, FL, 33172. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.
But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.
Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version."
What he said. The doctor's prep is very specific and should be followed.
You can eat yellow or green jello usually.
Yep, and orange. Just no red or purple. Popsicles too - same restrictions as to color.
I can see myself being very sick of green jello afterwards...
I only read a tiny bit of a couple of threads, so anything I have to say has probably been said.
Like the Nike commercial: just do it.
being 65, I have had this done 3 times.
They have cut out "polyps" each time which a good thing, cutting out growths in your colon.
They could find something early and spare you much "inconvenience."
Once, getting an X-ray looking for ulcers (a gift from my teaching 6 classes of 40 students each/per day), and they found a cancerous kidney tumor that was small (1 inch x 1 inch) and they were able to go "retrieve it judiciously while it was early: 3 weeks later I was back on form again (nothing like the hip-replacement surgery).
On a humorous note: after the procedure is over, they won't dismiss you until escape gas, evidently showing everything is in working order.
The first time I had it done, I didn't/couldn't do so.
They had me get up on my elbows and knees with my butt up in the air, the highest point of my body position, so as for any gasses to "bubble" up to the top.
Even I, who doesn't take himself too seriously felt like a complete "ass" (all puns intended) sitting there for what seemed a half-hour with nothing happening.
When the 3-4 staff members off to the side were sitting and chatting and laughing, I, of course assumed that they were laughing at my body position at the expense of my embarrassment.
Looking back, however, I'm sure the see it so much that they don't even take note of it.
I was never so proud and relieved when I was "successful" and I could leave.
Like the Nike commercial: just do it.
being 65, I have had this done 3 times.
They have cut out "polyps" each time which a good thing, cutting out growths in your colon.
They could find something early and spare you much "inconvenience."
Once, getting an X-ray looking for ulcers (a gift from my teaching 6 classes of 40 students each/per day), and they found a cancerous kidney tumor that was small (1 inch x 1 inch) and they were able to go "retrieve it judiciously while it was early: 3 weeks later I was back on form again (nothing like the hip-replacement surgery).
On a humorous note: after the procedure is over, they won't dismiss you until escape gas, evidently showing everything is in working order.
The first time I had it done, I didn't/couldn't do so.
They had me get up on my elbows and knees with my butt up in the air, the highest point of my body position, so as for any gasses to "bubble" up to the top.
Even I, who doesn't take himself too seriously felt like a complete "ass" (all puns intended) sitting there for what seemed a half-hour with nothing happening.
When the 3-4 staff members off to the side were sitting and chatting and laughing, I, of course assumed that they were laughing at my body position at the expense of my embarrassment.
Looking back, however, I'm sure the see it so much that they don't even take note of it.
I was never so proud and relieved when I was "successful" and I could leave.
Last edited:
femurphy77
Grandmaster
Had my first a few years ago and will have another in a few years. Not bad overall. The drain cleaner gets old after about the third dose but I've heard they have something new that isn't as bad. The trips to the can are probably going to be different for each person as will the lack of food for 24 hours. Me personally, I could stand a week or two on Tom Hanks island before I'd really need to eat something.
I actually had fun with the after procedure test purge, blowing fart noises off my arm until the nurses couldn't laugh any more and told me to leave.
I actually had fun with the after procedure test purge, blowing fart noises off my arm until the nurses couldn't laugh any more and told me to leave.Funny I came across this thread because I just scheduled colonoscopy #4 today. After #2, the doc said I wasn't "clean enough", so for #3 I had to do a double-prep, which I also have to do again for #4. Talk about a crappy situation!
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
I was also warned NOT to put any ointment or cream on my aching ...hole. I didn't want to do this more than once IF I could help it.
I don't recall having to fast for a long time, but at least the night before. They schedule I had for the stuff to drink started the night before, and was a few ounces every 15 minutes for a couple or three hours until my body decided to...purge. Then wait a couple hours, start the sips again over another three hours or so until the second purge. This was going to keep me awake all night, and the only reason I could figure for drinking in small quantities was because it was nasty tasting and people probably couldn't take more than a few ounces at a time. I really didn't want to be up all night so I just chugged the entire quart or half gallon or whatever in about 30 seconds and about 15 minutes later the tsunami launched. It was quite...thorough, in fact so thorough there was only one small wavelet a few minute later. I set the alarm for 0400 and went back to bed. Got up at 4, chugged, purged, and back to bed until time to go to the appointment. Apparently the doc could find his way around without problem, everything was cleaned out. Even gave me some nice still pictures. 
My wife was really mad at me, because when it was her turn she had spent all night on the can doing the little sips thing, got no sleep whatsoever.
My wife was really mad at me, because when it was her turn she had spent all night on the can doing the little sips thing, got no sleep whatsoever.
Here is a tip that a buddy of mine gave me. After the first procedure my ass was sore from wiping. Now I know what babies that have diaper rash feel like. He said put a little luke warm water in the bathtub. Drop in there and clean off the bung hole. Towel down, no irritation. Then you just disinfect the tub. Honestly the last time I had it done 2 years ago it was a breeze. The prep was better and that twilight stuff they give you is awesome. Joking around with the doc and nurses in the beginning. They release the med. Next thing you know it's wake up time.
femurphy77
Grandmaster
KittySlayer
Grandmaster
Instead of toilet paper use Kleenex with lotion. Soothes sore sniffers and soothes sore sh......rs.
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